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Are You Experienced? (Free verse) by EAger to Offend
One square centimetre of paper had made a journey from the lab to the street, to my hand, to my core. In our surround sound sweat lodge, the absence of decor blooming w/ accellerating synaptic combustion, we beheld the glory of an ultra-clean latrine and the doomed perseverence of Man. Then the fireballs shot up like unharnessed elevators in the writhing of what was once a woodgrained door. We all saw and felt it and laughed at our common, vibrating ache, aware now that we best friends could not rely upon the world nor each other. "The world is thin as paper," I thought, and dutifully acknowledged what I had so long repressed; that before a life is started it already has passed.

Up the ladder: Cooking Class [Revised]
Down the ladder: Sparkling Rust

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 02
.. 20
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 7.6
Weighted score: 5.3099275
Overall Rank: 3587
Posted: August 4, 2003 10:08 PM PDT; Last modified: August 11, 2003 10:12 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 5-Aug-03/7:22 AM | Reply
"The world is thin as paper," I thought.
"And as fragile as glass."

the paper makes a nice circuit to the intro, but the fragile as glass bit--crap. over-used, maudlin sap.

my complimets on your vividly descriptive second and 3rd stanzas. good work, there.
[n/a] EAger to Offend @ 65.95.241.147 > <~> | 11-Aug-03/10:09 PM | Reply
thanx for that. consider it gone.

I tried to spruce up a few other bland spots in this edit.
[7] richa @ 81.86.73.151 | 5-Aug-03/8:22 AM | Reply
nice raw images, I like unharnessed elevator
[10] Lifeboatman @ 202.78.97.13 | 6-Aug-03/4:18 AM | Reply
true... 10... reminds me of jimi hendrix though
[n/a] EAger to Offend @ 65.95.241.147 > Lifeboatman | 11-Aug-03/9:52 PM | Reply
Sorry, never heard of him.
[9] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.64 | 12-Aug-03/10:05 AM | Reply
Nice revisions. I like the travelling of the paper much more than the original. Made it seem like a different poem.
[9] Quarton @ 12.217.221.61 | 8-Jul-04/12:10 PM | Reply
Tho I'm not exactly sure what in hell you are staying, I am sure enough to give this a 9. Interesting!
[n/a] EAger to Offend @ 65.95.241.26 | 12-Dec-04/2:26 AM | Reply
That is simply because you are not experienced. But for 5 bucks a hit... you could be.
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