DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Sparkling Rust

Member since 2003 · Posted 12 Aug 2003 · 5 comments

Drifting in the mental ocean... my nerve universe, thoughts spinning, going back to the beginning of my life. Vhs tape called memory is rewound back at high speed. My inner soul bleeds from the images flashing, like an old film. Cold metal sparkles from a rusted switch blade thrusted deep into flesh. Cut veins pour a stream of hot blood onto the floor... The last image of my brother twenty-nine and gone forever.

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5 comments

[10] Caducus 13-Aug-03/6:02 AM Reply

Excellent job its not pretentious, and I think its very poignant (especially the end, so sudden and final). Line one is also quite a beautiful thought, a mental ocean, that one line spawns so many thoughts like clams, drowning in yourself, being consumed, blue etc,

This is raw and lingers, I have e0mailed it to my inbox (as i write so many death/angst poems take this a compliment) 10

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › Caducus 13-Aug-03/6:44 PM Reply

Thanks, what do you suggest for a title?

[10] Caducus › SupremeDreamer 14-Aug-03/1:51 AM Reply

Actually its quite hard but i think maybe' Drifting' but as I've read the last but 3rd stanza again I can see where you got the title from, just remember the main point of the poem is death, so keep the title real.

Drifting
Taken
or even The Crossing something like those.

[10] Caducus 13-Aug-03/6:02 AM Reply

The title's shit though.

[8] Jill Stockinger 21-Jan-21/1:07 PM Reply

Ending is very powerful. Very sad.

1 point: you use "vhs tape called memory" and then you say "like and old film". They mean the same thing really, should change "like an old film" to something that differs more, I suggest.