| Re: Standing by the Sea by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
1-Jul-03/10:59 AM |
definitely an 'other'
interesting, like an individuals log from the point of the observer, extra points for that.
I think you could miss out the end bit explaining it, it is not really needed
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| Re: Watching My Childhood Vanish by Caducus |
1-Jul-03/10:55 AM |
sentiment done many times before about the childhood den etc
imagery good and placed in a very definite place
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| Re: Blind Walk Into Poem Ranker by DreamerSupreme |
28-Jun-03/11:33 AM |
the 'first I met' and 'subsequent' every verse makes this look a bit like a list rather than something more cohesive.
gnome and dome seems a little contrived
yoda and pepsi cola is funny and modern and nice touch to end every verse with a none rhyme having rhymed through the verse. It kind of asks a question of what is coming next.
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| Re: The Shoulder War by Kitch |
28-Jun-03/11:27 AM |
first verse you mention 'you dried them' I know you mean tears but having to think about it ruins the rhythm.
the rest of the first verse is quite sweet
I wouldn't bother with the jelly and belly rhyme in the third
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| Re: The Park Bench by Mr Pig |
25-Jun-03/11:42 AM |
the aquarius and not interested rhyme rushes the poem along well
i think you use very quiete rhymes which gives this a gentle quality
not as much vivid imagery as in your other memory poems though
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| Re: Pilgrimage by Christof |
24-Jun-03/1:34 PM |
excellent flow
nothing that really grabs me though, it was over so fast
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| Re: The Dry Wash by Kitch |
24-Jun-03/1:32 PM |
quite good
im not sure the two verses necessarily hang
like a landscape painting really, which is difficult to express in poems ask bob dylan
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| Re: Maman: Psychic Tophet by SupremeDreamer |
24-Jun-03/1:28 PM |
yes this needs much shortening,
the twists for me are the creative uses of language in between the babble
but there is lots of good stuff
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| Re: Tomorrow by Quarton |
24-Jun-03/1:23 PM |
dont use .... you are supposed to use language to achieve such an effect
i think the scope of this is too great for such a short poem too
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| Re: where once by daniella |
22-Jun-03/6:43 AM |
quite interesting, similar style to 'the force that through the green fuse drives the flower' by dylan thomas.
causing a certain feeling of rush of change of uncertainty
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| Re: sink by daniella |
22-Jun-03/6:39 AM |
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yes nice little rhyme and insight
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| Re: Fusion by Kitch |
22-Jun-03/6:36 AM |
first two lines of second verse are good
a few cliches in the first verse though
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| Re: Full another terrific love ballad by John K.Y. by Bachus |
19-Jun-03/10:14 AM |
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i don't like being savage about people so i will simply register my agreeance with bachus
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| Re: Hot Potato by Shardik |
19-Jun-03/10:11 AM |
yes, best way
they'll all kill eachother in the end
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| Re: The truths of war by DeadtotheWorld |
19-Jun-03/10:09 AM |
language perhaps loses its own power as it is phrased in 'anarchy movement' terms.
I think the best types of these poems are perhaps a bit more subversive
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| Re: To What Ends by daniella |
19-Jun-03/10:06 AM |
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this flows very well, like a story really
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| Re: A meeting at Maverick, then dinner. by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
18-Jun-03/12:57 PM |
i didn't read the content
the rhyme and random words i read were quite good though
and i like the spirit of haiku
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| Re: a comment on once again by John by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
18-Jun-03/12:55 PM |
dark angel is so much better at railing against this kind of thing
i didn't laugh at poop maybe i'm getting old
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| Re: It's funny by Dangzter |
17-Jun-03/11:10 AM |
a fairly standard structure but i enjoyes this
try to lose mentioning a 50 yr old man twice
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| Re: Lycanthropes and L-dopamine by horus8 |
17-Jun-03/10:54 AM |
lycanthropic being wierwolf
i'm glad i realised
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