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Pilgrimage (Free verse) by Christof On the steep bridlepath I sense there beside me
My shadow which skips as I stumble and sweat
Brushing through leaves, across streams, over stiles
To see where you lived, where you worked, where you might
Still live in your house in the wind and the mist
At the top of the ridge is your house in a sunclap
A golden dog barks at the touch of a ghost,
A looming familiar figure resentful
That others possess every sill, every lintel
But the ghost is not you but my deepening shadow
My strung-out ambition, my urge to connect
And say Yes, we live on in the handshake of memory,
Remembering others we are never alone -
And a cloud shrouds the sun
And my shadow shuts down like a TV at bedtime
Up the ladder:
Too Late
Down the ladder:
Rockmage, I was going to pay him...
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Posted: June 23, 2003 6:10 AM PDT; Last modified: June 23, 2003 6:10 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.4092755 Overall Rank: 758 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[9]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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23-Jun-03/7:02 AM
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Reply
A sunclap, hmmmm it's not every day an original word of this nature works well, and it did. i think a lot about fusing words because well when you can't spell for shit or punctuate, you better fuse words better than most or pray you can get by with borrowed & rearranged titles, because being able to make highly symbolic and triple edged hybrids like "sunclap" is as important of a tool in a poets chest, as listening is to an actor. Take a nine and <chicky chicky chew> Will can tame a shrew.
interesting, good imagery. ill bless thee with a -7-
excellent flow
nothing that really grabs me though, it was over so fast
Great cadence.
I've missed you You end to quickly, as richa said, you shut down before it's really begun.
Its like hearing the first few bars of a classic movie theme song(i.e. Star Wars or Indiana Jones) and then having the power go out. -8-
That's the point!
Yeah, the third verse needs refining, I think. May I suggest: "...Like a TV at bedtime my shadow shuts down." Although I could see one resisting to that near-rhyme.
What a queer ending. I don't associate the sense of loss and rememberance with a person, but the hopeful dreams we've had and left behind, the familiar places in our minds.
Thanks, Lcpl.Busby
Very atmospheric. I guess the movement from a bridlepath to a TV represents a move from nature to mechanisation, from reality to depiction.
Something about the rhythm makes me expect some more rhyming, which doesn't come, thus confounding my expectations. Which is an excellent thing to do.
I think you should have said "every sill, every single solitary shred and piece of lint in the world"
or "every sill, every god-damn piece of lint in the universe".
I think you could do without 'But' at the start of the last stanza. Otherwise perfect. the best use of prepositional phrases I have ever ever seen.
the last two lines of the first stanza are beautifully constructed. A lovely percussion, well thoughtout wiht a terrific fallowt-through in the next stanza L2S2 is as pretty a thing as I've seen. Sort of a cross between e.e. cummings and Dylan Thomas I think. Top-notch. (Do get rid of that first 'but' S3, the more I read it, the more out of place it seems) Kisses.
Hmmmm, the 'But'....I know what you mean. Clogs up the metre a bit. Without it, though, I think the statement about the ghost and the shadow is just too stark and not linked to what went before. Dunno. Let me have a ponder. Glad you liked the rest!
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