| Re: Air sickness bag by Shardik |
17-Jun-03/10:52 AM |
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| Re: The Bastard Earth by Kitch |
17-Jun-03/10:51 AM |
a bit didactic and part of the end verse was far too 'ricki lake'
but some good parts second verse is thought provoking but perhaps a bit clumsy
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| Re: The Contract (2nd draft) by scitz |
17-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
a couple of nice beat esque bits
'like we believe in a politician' and asterisk....
the end doesn't need to be so definitive though
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| Re: One Night Stand by Audaciouslilgrl |
14-Jun-03/10:48 AM |
I do feel this a bit
but it is rather ordinary
good try though
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| Re: once again by John by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
14-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
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I dont understand your motivation for writing this.
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| Re: Sittin Here by psikosis |
14-Jun-03/10:42 AM |
No, this is too obvious the rhyme/ the sentiment
Try get to the root of the feeling and its relation to other things
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| Re: In (ghazal) by INTRANSIT |
14-Jun-03/10:40 AM |
Interesting to us something modern and consumer as a truck to illustrate 'the beauty of the all'
I think the snappy sentences work well and fit together there is nothing too obvious to make me cringe here
a pleasant read
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| Re: Once by phoenixxx |
14-Jun-03/10:29 AM |
I guess you've rubbed someone up the wrong way the sheer number of zeros you get is quite impressive
I do think these poems need a lot more personal thought and insight though they seem a bit assinine
and the statements seem unqualified
I got loads of bad marks when i first came on here. I guess you have to read the work of your audience and learn some lessons from it
Then if you get good you can do your own thing again a nd be pretentious like a proper artist!
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| Re: How I fuck Freud off in the shower by horus8 |
13-Jun-03/10:43 AM |
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| Re: Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT |
13-Jun-03/10:41 AM |
yes nice logic/ flow
a bit in the spirit of an extended haiku
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| Re: Touchdown by Mona Lisa |
13-Jun-03/10:39 AM |
not sure about use of pale killer/ eternal youth
but i like the middle what is grief....
some of the big words and modern words tend to erode its sentiment i think
some good stuff though
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| Re: Iceman by Kitch |
12-Jun-03/10:45 AM |
not a bad try at all
I would say however your use of words such as soul and truth is perhaps unqualified with argument and image
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| Re: Coloured waifs home by horus8 |
12-Jun-03/10:41 AM |
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yes a good haiku wistful is a word everyone seems to use. I think it apt
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| Re: Oil Spill by scitz |
10-Jun-03/10:30 AM |
ok gets its point across
but stands as a list rather than a poem i think
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| Re: Secret Identities Revealed by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
8-Jun-03/4:11 AM |
thanks for the reference
i haven't ranked this
i don't think that was the point
(some people obviously do)
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| Re: Secret Identities Revealed by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
7-Jun-03/12:23 PM |
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why the queen mum of england?
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| Re: Snowball by INTRANSIT |
7-Jun-03/12:20 PM |
have you changed this?
I prefer it today
perhaps it is the mirror
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| Re: Remember-me (an ode to those dropped off at the clinic) by Bachus |
6-Jun-03/10:28 AM |
abortion is in the air today
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| Re: Thracian mountains until the Sea by Shardik |
6-Jun-03/10:25 AM |
zippy piece
I'm glad you get the story across without too many references
It'd just make me feel ignorant
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| Re: Abortion by horus8 |
6-Jun-03/10:22 AM |
I like it
quite despairing
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