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In (ghazal) (Free verse) by INTRANSIT In my truck, I ventilate the world
and let it enter me through my
windows,as it passes, and stops.
My friends enter me as a thought,
a presence. I ride fully with them
always. Peace is mine, always.
The traffic of life is present and I
am numb to its presence, within.
My friend, myself, one, travelling,
two, stationary, feeling the motion
and the beauty of the all.
Up the ladder:
Life begins when you graduate H.S.
Down the ladder:
Ocular Photoalbum
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: June 14, 2003 6:58 AM PDT; Last modified: June 14, 2003 6:58 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4269 Comments:
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horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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14-Jun-03/9:18 AM
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Try to edit this making each sentence seperate yet connected, lover.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.252.7
> horus8
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14-Jun-03/9:42 AM
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Are you talking punctuation? or phrasing,schweetie.
[n/a]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
> INTRANSIT
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14-Jun-03/6:45 PM
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Both, pooterkins.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.252.7
> horus8
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14-Jun-03/8:08 PM
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right away, kewpi doll. oh, and heres a rose, for yew.
[n/a]
daniella @ 200.68.205.112
> INTRANSIT
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14-Jun-03/9:16 PM
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oh sweet romantix, if i may interject thy willowy serenading. i love the last line, but i want to be led there on streaming chrome shiny wind in my ears through the lonely blare of headlights. you r almost there.
Interesting to us something modern and consumer as a truck to illustrate 'the beauty of the all'
I think the snappy sentences work well and fit together there is nothing too obvious to make me cringe here a pleasant read
thanks! Had to try sumpn' new. Horus is right though, it's a little disconnected.
Is this even a ghazal? I thought ghazals were a string of couplets which made sense individually too. (Like the pearl necklace which looks beautiful while strung together but is worthy of praise while viewed singularly too)
Ghazals have a certain refrain in the 2nd line of every couplet (and both lines of the first) added with a monorhyme before the refrain. You need to address yourself in the last couplet (called signature couplet) Well, there are around 50 rules to make a concrete ghazal and this follows none. I like the content though.....6 PS: I don't post much on this site, but I'd put up few of my ghazals now if you'd like to look at them. 244 view(s)
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