poemranker ::One Night Stand by Audaciouslilgrl

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Free verse № 52721

One Night Stand

by Audaciouslilgrl

Member since 2003 · Posted 12 Jun 2003 · Edited 13 Jun 2003 · 10 comments

The softness of the kiss The intoxication of the touch The incessant heat The soft rhythm of body against body Pleasure and desire united all in one moment, But this is far from an act of love It is only a charade The momentary release A wishful ache That this were something more Than mere lust...

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mean 6.56 weighted 5.78 rank 1727 views 146 View voting details →

9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

10 comments

[8] Bachus 12-Jun-03/3:54 PM Reply
What would you do to it if I put it in your hand?
[8] <{Baba^Yaga}> 12-Jun-03/4:52 PM Reply
Merely thrust (other) by whitebrother

Yo, it's merely the thrust from your bust
like lifting hefty bags of boobs up and over
the fence for another ride on the hippo
hungry, hungry, hungry, but
then I notice that you have
a penis too and the paper airplane
that was my erection slides
under the door and into the
closet of homosexual denial.
I cry tears of gayity knowing
I'll never have to hurl you
and your boobs over another
fence again.
[4] Robert K Foster 13-Jun-03/9:00 AM Reply
eliminate redundancy from title to last line. get rid of "farce" it sounds too much like fart. Otherwise, a poems go, it is ordinary. what can you do to make it more unique?
[9] thepinkbunnyofdoom 13-Jun-03/10:41 AM Reply
I suggest replacing farce with charade, and instead of Of a wishful ache, I'd go with With a wishful. <- I think that it goes better with the momentary release.
[n/a] Audaciouslilgrl › thepinkbunnyofdoom 13-Jun-03/12:52 PM Reply
Thank you for the advise, does that sound better with the few changes that were made?
[8] <{Baba^Yaga}> 13-Jun-03/1:09 PM Reply
Better.
[9] thepinkbunnyofdoom 13-Jun-03/1:16 PM Reply
Yes, I think it sounds better but I still don't like the 'A wishful ache' because It seems to me that your saying the momentary release is a wishful ache, when I think it'd go better as 'With a wishful ache'. Still a -9- cause its very good.
[10] capachijim 13-Jun-03/2:25 PM Reply
Wow...I really, really enjoyed that. Seriously. 10
[8] JoyLuck 13-Jun-03/6:27 PM Reply
whore
[7] richa 14-Jun-03/10:48 AM Reply
I do feel this a bit
but it is rather ordinary
good try though