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One Night Stand (Free verse) by Audaciouslilgrl The softness of the kiss
The intoxication of the touch
The incessant heat
The soft rhythm of body against body
Pleasure and desire united all in one moment,
But this is far from an act of love
It is only a charade
The momentary release
A wishful ache
That this were something more
Than mere lust...
Up the ladder:
<Haiku>
Down the ladder:
Nonentities
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5555553
Posted: June 12, 2003 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: June 13, 2003 12:49 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7777777 Overall Rank: 1728 Comments:
[8]
Bachus @ 24.126.113.154
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12-Jun-03/3:54 PM
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Reply
What would you do to it if I put it in your hand?
Merely thrust (other) by whitebrother
Yo, it's merely the thrust from your bust like lifting hefty bags of boobs up and over the fence for another ride on the hippo hungry, hungry, hungry, but then I notice that you have a penis too and the paper airplane that was my erection slides under the door and into the closet of homosexual denial. I cry tears of gayity knowing I'll never have to hurl you and your boobs over another fence again.
eliminate redundancy from title to last line. get rid of "farce" it sounds too much like fart. Otherwise, a poems go, it is ordinary. what can you do to make it more unique?
I suggest replacing farce with charade, and instead of Of a wishful ache, I'd go with With a wishful. <- I think that it goes better with the momentary release.
Thank you for the advise, does that sound better with the few changes that were made?
Better.
Yes, I think it sounds better but I still don't like the 'A wishful ache' because It seems to me that your saying the momentary release is a wishful ache, when I think it'd go better as 'With a wishful ache'. Still a -9- cause its very good.
Wow...I really, really enjoyed that. Seriously. 10
whore
I do feel this a bit
but it is rather ordinary good try though 146 view(s)
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