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Touchdown (Free verse) by Mona Lisa
The pale killer, Embalms eternal youth, Preserved in memoirs and snapshots, Concealing the killer in a ‘Gap’ cap. Brevity was a constant friend, The excavation of courage, Living days on slow motion, Welcoming with a child’s smile the end. How does one define grief? The thickness in a salt throat? A room left the way it was, Preserving denial for tainted hopes? I know only this, He told me not too grieve, But I cup my hands across my womb, Where once he was mine and only mine, And smell the corners of his duvet in his room, Smiling at a photo, That captured him brilliantly, ‘Touchdown’ For Robert North.

Up the ladder: Return to Marrakech
Down the ladder: Your Great

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.976287
Overall Rank: 8215
Posted: June 13, 2003 3:22 AM PDT; Last modified: November 8, 2005 6:59 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] god'swife @ 198.81.26.113 | 13-Jun-03/8:12 AM | Reply
My brain hurts. wow. Poignant at the end but difficult to follow at first, put me off a bit. That "'Gap' cap" thing you do at the beginning there is also a big turn off. Do you really need it? Can you make it, I don't know, more... I don't know. I think that line just needs to go. I'll look at it again later.
Overall I thought it well written.
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 13-Jun-03/10:33 AM | Reply
That's killer.
[7] richa @ 195.92.67.66 | 13-Jun-03/10:39 AM | Reply
not sure about use of pale killer/ eternal youth

but i like the middle what is grief....

some of the big words and modern words tend to erode its sentiment i think

some good stuff though
[9] Kitch @ 195.92.168.167 | 13-Jun-03/1:32 PM | Reply
Had to give this a twiceover and its very poignant, very proud and I loved it. 9
[10] Bachus @ 24.126.116.54 | 16-Nov-03/1:49 AM | Reply
Yeah.
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