The Shoulder War

first verse you mention 'you dried them' I know you mean tears but having to think about it ruins the rhythm.

the rest of the first verse is quite sweet

I wouldn't bother with the jelly and belly rhyme in the third

"Once I cried,
All the pain had died,
And once I dried them,
I saw a beautiful girl beside them."

This passage is confusing, and has a fragmented structure. Try to be more descriptive, otherwise people wont understand what your saying.


"Oh how she makes me,
Oh how she breaks me,
In to little pieces, of past Christmas toys,
Once she was silence,
She became my noise."

With this one, i suggest canning the first line.. I really don't see what purpose it can serve. "of past christmas toys" what exactly are you trying to express here? feel like a toy that a child enjoys for a few months and then destroys perhaps? what im saying is that you could spin it out to a more descriptive and creative result.

"once she was silence, she became my noise" Again, sounds fragmented and vague as to what you intend this to mean. I understand somewhat what your trying to say, but you need to inject some more free flowing thought into your presentation.. try writing a poem without forcing rhyme into it.

"Two guardian Angels,
Once tells me sin,
One says be nice"

Once tells me sin? this line makes little sense, atleast to me. Heres an example of how it could be better written:

Within me lays
two guardian angels,
One whispers to commit sin
The other sings of love
and righteousness.

repeat: Just an example, I dont intend to tell you how it should be written.

Also, i agree with the first two comments about that jelly line, it just doesnt fit well into the overall piece.

I hope i dont seem like an asswipe with this commentry. Its simply my opinion, no hard feelings.