Re: We're Off by Skamper	31-Jul-07/2:02 PM
The brooding skies/ frowned/ omen. No no no. Overwrought and not in keeping with the tone of the rest of the poem.
Re: Proctor, the patient must be beaten. by Y2kSlamPoet	31-Jul-07/1:58 PM
Probably. 'who had turned silent in order to achieve the illusion of Zen' amused me though.
Re: intricate babbling by eunique	31-Jul-07/1:54 PM
Haiku don't tend to have many syllables to play with so I would lose 'you'. As haiku are supposed to have two intersecting images I would say third line should read 'a stone thrown' to seperate it from the turbulent heart fragile body image.
Re: Between two Truths by Dovina	16-Jun-07/2:44 PM
Give up on the trite musings on God and religion.
Re: leaves of clover by lmp	16-Jun-07/2:35 PM
I think verses 2,3,4 are really well written the overall story from then on gets a bit daft though. N.B. I don't think wreck rhymes with nect'r whichever way you strangle it.
Re: Temptation by nicole081083	16-Jun-07/2:30 PM
lustful temptation? burning sensation? is this about VD.
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	16-Jun-07/2:28 PM
Mentioning may twice in a couple of lines is inelegant. Otherwise perfectly fine.
Re: The kissing chair incident by Stephen Robins	16-Jun-07/2:24 PM
I'm not sure if I'm reading this right. Were you one of the chinless wondren responsible for the perming of frizzled hairs.
Re: Beslan by Ranger	16-Jun-07/2:17 PM
I don't really know what a holy minor fall is, I think you mean a pun on minor as a child and minor in music but to what end I'm not sure. Also try and avoid cliches like coming gloom crumbling tomb. Other than that good. Some of the phrasing is quite complicated but good. The poem is strongest where you explore the physical nature of the balalaika and play with the metaphor.
Re: No-Strings by sca	16-Jun-07/2:02 PM
No need for the damn it bit. The third verse is the weakest by far so I'd shelve it. Other than that sweet in a kind of naive pimply way.
Re: Call Someone Right Away by jessicazee	16-Jun-07/1:58 PM
I like the voice. I like the way you throw the last line too.
Re: bitten {one liner} by sca	16-Jun-07/1:53 PM
enough with the redundant parentheses. and shouldn't it be a firefly presuming the firefly is the 'he' part of the simile
Re: [Gasp]{last letter, first letter} by sca	16-Jun-07/1:49 PM
There isn't a whole lot of point in having the end letter of a line and the letter at the beginning of the next line the same. I understand it was an allpoetry challenge. It was a stupid one. It works for the s's sonically but y at the end of a word has a different sound to a y used at the beginning of a word. When you do these challenges things seem kind of forced also.
Re: a comment on Barking Bargain by Dovina	4-Jun-07/9:15 AM
I parsed it to show you it didn't make sense. If the parsed version is what you meant to say what does 'the loss he came out for or the loss he was offered' refer to. And whilst you are at it you could tell me what the 'too much of a threat, too little to trust' line refers to.
Re: a comment on Thinking by Tiffany	2-Jun-07/3:43 PM
liar.
Re: Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-07/3:42 PM
Don't like. Every so often someone posts a poem which pretty much lists different colours. I did it my self once. It just doesn't work.
Re: Barking Bargain by Dovina	2-Jun-07/3:32 PM
The final verse doesn't really make sense. It parses as: Was the loss he came out for greater than the loss which was offered.
Re: Atlantis Destroyed by Sasha	2-Jun-07/3:27 PM
Rather good. A couple of lines I don't like-- the morning mused/ tried to speak is too abstract and beneath an air where humans did not speak is a touch convoluted. You don't actually have to say something didn't happen (i.e humans didn't speak) in a poem because it doesn't happen by the fact of it not being written of. I like the canes bit.
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	27-May-07/2:37 PM
It is more that you don't see anything wrong in phrasing such as 'bovine eyes look up from munching' and 'as alcohol so legs draw concentration' and 'rebuke arose'. I find the suggestion about articles rather interesting so I have a couple of suggestions. On country road in mid-Virginia (no need for a) the cyclist pulls up another hill (the cyclist does not pull another hill). The use of the 'the' here (definite article) places the cyclist at the centre of the poem, he is not just a cyclist. Past the house with mammoth lawn. The use of 'the' here specifies that the house is a landmark rather than just any house with big lawn. Btw visual' input does not soothe tired eyes. Next verse 'the cows look up, again the cows are central to the poem and bovine eyes sounds wretched. Free from fence and milking sounds terribly clunky. What is wrong with she pants (UP) a lonely hill instead of lying in the shade. N.B. Anthropomorphism is dodgy at the best of times but even if we attribute thoughts to the cow why would it assume from seeing a human cycle up a hill that she was 'free from milking' and also from their perspective you are behind a fence too. Next how about the cows rebuked (it is a daft idea but each to their own) at least then we have specified who does the rebuking and who is being rebuked. I would say in the alcohol of afternoon then you have a metaphor for the weariness and blurriness. As it stands it reads that legs draw concentration like alcohol draws concentration
Re: a comment on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	22-May-07/10:46 AM
This is terrible advice.