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Sunset Beach (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta Let me paint you a picture
in hues of purple and pink
or maybe in orange or crimson
with splashes of spice and peach.
A touch of turquoise and tan
could transform our dreary world
into lovely walks along the sand
as ocean waves unfurl.
Seagulls in shades of white
dive into the foamy surf
to capture the shiny silvers
that dwell below the swirls.
The cotton candy clouds
float across the flawless face
of a serene summer day
through golden sunlit rays.
And here my scene unfolds
as two souls they walk the sands
of a dreamy paradise
in the perfect lover's world..
Up the ladder:
Horny Hornswoggling
Down the ladder:
debating
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Posted: May 30, 2007 12:15 PM PDT; Last modified: August 4, 2007 8:33 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0715218 Overall Rank: 6568 Comments:
[6]
Skamper @ 202.6.128.86
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31-May-07/9:22 AM
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Reply
I do love to think in colour - but I can't get the image out of my head of seagulls with nice white teeth!
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 61.17.226.23
> Skamper
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4-Jun-07/7:44 PM
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Reply
I agree. Pearly whites isn't exactly the right word. Thanks for the feedback.
Don't like. Every so often someone posts a poem which pretty much lists different colours. I did it my self once. It just doesn't work.
I guess it doesn't really work, but that doesn't justify not writing what comes to a writer's mind. But at the same time, I'll keep in mind that it doesn't cater to everyone's taste. Thanks all the same.
Nice musicality to this. One alteration I'd make - shiny into shining; it has a little more of an up-and-down cadence to it, rather like the waves.
Hmmm.. shining ! Interesting.
Good to see you around. How are you and howz life? Still at Tesco? Right now we're doing a study on Tesco's billing system. :-) And how far have you completed your course in philosophy, or theology (am not sure which)....? :-)
Gorgeous flow in this poem makes you feel the waves. I'd lose the "S" in "Pearly whites" to get a 10. Otherwise it's a good poem that carries it's point and feeling across beautifully.
Hey, hey, hey... good to see you around. Thanks for the critique. Pearly white is much better than pearly whites..... or I've been thinking of even rephrasing it
Seagulls feathered white dive into the foamy surf to capture the shining silvers that dwell below the swirls. This might sound better. What do you think?
Is "spice" a color?
Could drop "the" from "the shiny." and "The cotton." "dreamy paradise" sounds cliche. the two above comments are good. Otherwise good.
Thanks D. Yes, spice is a color. Its a shade of brown seen in an artists' catalog of colors.
As for dropping 'the'..... not convincing. Changes the meter of the poem. Dreamy paradise.... its supposed to leave the reader wanting more, or wondering.
I have now changed Stanza 3 line 1 to read "Seagulls in shades of while", which originally read "seagulls in pearly whites". Maybe this is a better option. What do you think?
Do you mean "shades of white"?
puh..leeze
Nice flow and rhythm Amanda. You paint a perfect picture as the first line suggests. Very nice work.
Nice flow, the first line doesn't work for me though, same goes for the last stanza...
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