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Slaves and their Serpents (Prose Poem) by cyan9
I woke up as somebody else today, I looked like me, my blood even tasted the same. Blood? where was that coming from, oh yes, stupid me, The carving knife, never leave it on while you sleep beside it. Comic as my mutilation seemed, I yearned for something more, whoever I was today. Inspiration came like repeated camera flahes, Drilling its way into the head, Nesting in the frontal lobes, today I was to write something, something dark, something evil, something about somebody, something about this person in front of me. I poured my heart out, I filled the inkwell with the usual cliched black goetia, I made a quill by placing my little finger neatly between the knashing blades of an electric pencil sharpener, I could feel allready that I was due to pen down something marvelous today. I made light hearted quips about my masters nature, whilst ramming my fingers down my throat and slicing ribbens out of my arms. All this time I can remember detesting this person, but I just cant quite work out who. Looking down onto this person over the years, For each act of goodness used to barter for redemption, I have opened one more hole, one more well, So that the darkness shall never sleep.

Up the ladder: recede into deceit
Down the ladder: The boomerang holiday

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Weighted score: 5.0715218
Overall Rank: 6564
Posted: December 22, 2005 3:56 AM PST; Last modified: December 22, 2005 3:56 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] deleted user @ 204.97.18.183 | 22-Dec-05/4:32 AM | Reply
Your good use of simile and metaphor (something that's lacking in alot of stuff on this site)cannot be understated in this poem. I've only been here a short while, and from my point of view this is the best I've seen from you so far. Great work.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 > deleted user | 22-Dec-05/5:48 AM | Reply
Thanks for the compliment, have a good xmas.
[7] zodiac @ 70.109.2.131 | 22-Dec-05/8:56 AM | Reply
already - one l.

Yes, your mutilation does seem comic. Why write it that way? There's good stuff here, except that it's undercut by your silliness, and not in a useful way.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 > zodiac | 23-Dec-05/2:52 AM | Reply
It was written as an introduction to a set of poems that are dark, broody, but also have a few comic moments, so I was trying to reflect that. The other reason is to draw away from the seriousness of what is being said, to make it a little lighthearted, rather than to go in all guns blazing, I'll be re-writing a few over xmas, so Ill stick this on the list and replace the silliness with something darker.
[3] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.37 | 9-Jan-06/9:23 AM | Reply
Not my cup of tea. As for the para 1 line 4, you said it! Your confession suits you very well.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 > amanda_dcosta | 10-Jan-06/1:24 AM | Reply
Oh help me, I am so offended, no, Please dont call me stupid, what shall I do??
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