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leaves of clover (Free verse) by lmp
cut blades fly gyroscopically inside the thrumming steel hull. i walk behind half-conscious as my mind begins to mull... a story of a farmer who because he loved his bees, decided to plant his fields with what many consider weeds. the golden clover honey brewed by pollinators' labor brought the farmer a bit of profit with its sweet and delicate flavor. the farmer would often say "when i go it would really please me to meet my maker as i lay among the bees in clover leaves." we hear it said to be unwise to dwell upon these morbid themes. we never know when our eyes will be forever lost to dreams. then it happened one summer morn: his rusted truck bumped around the potholed exit from the highway and suddenly rolled upside down. the crates in the pickup's bed loosed the jars full of nect'r upon the farmer's flailing form as he was flung from the wreck. he lay peacefully upon the grass, covered in the work of bees and smiled wryly as his life fled. his open eyes now would not see: that as he lay in the cloverleaf among the bees, his fields were dower'd. and in those fields the bees drone on collecting pollen from clover flowers.

Up the ladder: Daddy's Little Girl
Down the ladder: 2 Faced

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Weighted score: 5.1430435
Overall Rank: 5409
Posted: June 8, 2007 4:47 PM PDT; Last modified: June 11, 2007 4:20 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 12.74.101.236 | 9-Jun-07/2:37 PM | Reply
"the bees drone on" is a good line because drones do no work. So I wonder at "Drones' labor" Also, the truck would have been loaded with honey, not nect'r or nectar. "we never knows"??? Otherwise pretty good.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 11-Jun-07/8:54 AM | Reply
did not know that bit of technical bee data; i will amend the line referring to drones' labor.

the line about the truck loaded with nectar ("nect'r" to rhyme a little better with "wreck"), well technically nectar is used to make honey, so you are correct on that count. however, nectar is any delicious drink and also the mythological life-giving drink of the gods. i have partaken of honey as a drink (straight outta the jar, mmmm). also, i believe that honey has some amazingly wonderful health-related properties (ok not "life-giving"); i swear by lemon tea with copious amounts of honey whenever i get a nasty winter cold.
( http://www.bellybytes.com/bytes/honey.shtml ).

so in that light, i would say that "nect'r" is appropriate use in that line, if none else by poetic license.

thanks for the feedback; let me know what you think of the rewrite when it happens...
[8] Dovina @ 204.8.187.74 > lmp | 11-Jun-07/2:24 PM | Reply
I think the use of the Apis mellifera is too technically distracting for a poem of this kind. Your theme is good, but to introduce God's power into it near the end seems true, but out-of-place.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 11-Jun-07/3:44 PM | Reply
agreed on both counts.

i chose that specie of honeybee because the latin literally means "honey-carrying bee". it does stick out as the rest of the poem is written in simple words; again i will try to improve upon it.

the "god's power" phrase bothered me as well, seeming bit overreligious for this piece, but i really wanted to use "flowers" at the end. i'm still mulling over the options but not having much luck; everything i come up with seems too forced.

[7] Skamper @ 202.6.128.23 | 11-Jun-07/4:21 PM | Reply
I like the story, and the beginning shorter stanzas, really gets the rhythm, but the longer lines are kinda awkward. The use of simple language in a story of this kind benifits (I think) from some flowery descriptions as in - gyroscopically and Apis mellifera. I can't even begin to get nect'r and wreck to rhyme. (could just be my accent) Rhyme is so damned hard to achieve without seeming forced.
[7] Prince of Void @ 80.71.127.39 | 14-Jun-07/12:49 PM | Reply
thx for ur comments on my poems

ur poems lies in the bed of subconsciousness
so this green fields of ur dreams have drowned emotions
and waken up the soul to find the mirror of the existence
it really helps me if u add comments on my poems
[7] richa @ 85.210.32.212 | 16-Jun-07/2:35 PM | Reply
I think verses 2,3,4 are really well written the overall story from then on gets a bit daft though. N.B. I don't think wreck rhymes with nect'r whichever way you strangle it.
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