on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
29 Jan 2006, 1:40 PM
This one's tricky to comment on; a lot of people have looked at it according to the hits counter, but I can only assume that they, like I, don't really know what to make of it. It feels like it's a good poem, but it's more than my tiny brain can get round at the moment. If you gave me an explanation, maybe that would help.
replying on After Rain by Niphredil
29 Jan 2006, 1:37 PM
Yes, I like that more. As for the punchline, well fair enough!
on Frozen Branches by jmalone
29 Jan 2006, 1:32 PM
This works quite well although I'd suggest that if you're going to go for a rhyming scheme, give the poem a definite rhythm - it makes it easier to read aloud. Also, capitalise the start of every line; the beauty of acrostics is being able to instantly see what the vertical column says. Other than that, nicely done - 'truant solar rise' is a lovely line!
on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy
29 Jan 2006, 1:28 PM
Ah yes, now I like this. If I'm going to nitpick, there are grammatical mistakes, other than that it's great! 'Prophet shoes', love it!
on Technology makes memories, photo album, circa 1970 by <~>
29 Jan 2006, 6:17 AM
'Like a disciplined fruit'...yes, imaginative certainly.
on Lost Forever by Freethinker1602
29 Jan 2006, 6:12 AM
Hmm...this is the best of your recent ones, to be sure. I think it would work better if you used 'I' less frequently, and maybe put into prose form. It's a bit disjointed at the moment. Also, I do like the start, not being able to bring yourself to contemplate his death, you should try to emphasise that a bit more. Let me know if you edit this one, I'd like to see how it turns out.
on My testament to free speech by Glasseyez
29 Jan 2006, 4:15 AM
'Of shit and lies'...turns me off straight away...there's some good content here (without delving into a discussion of universal outlooks) but I'd like to see it edited first. 6 for now, although after a reworking it'll be worth more.
on After Rain by Niphredil
29 Jan 2006, 4:09 AM
Yes, I'd agree with zodiac here. You work the rhyme very well and the rhythm is fairly constant - although 'finally' in line 3 is tricky; I'm torn between giving this a 7 and an 8, 8 for now I think as I'm in a good mood, but this is well worth an edit and I'll be sure to check it again.
on Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera
29 Jan 2006, 4:02 AM
Very sexy, made me think of movie stars.
replying on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
29 Jan 2006, 4:00 AM
I wanted something rich and slightly exotic whilst not being overly cliched...just a bit of inventive improvisation, that's all.
on For such is a child’s heart by amanda_dcosta
29 Jan 2006, 3:58 AM
Personally I'd change the first line, give it a little more lyricism; this is a nice enough piece, but read out loud it is somewhat too bulky (for me, anyway). There's definitely potential here, I just feel it needs a couple of edits while being read aloud.
replying on Our Marriage by amanda_dcosta
29 Jan 2006, 3:54 AM
Ah, well I'm hoping that I've got time enough for that yet!
on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo
29 Jan 2006, 3:51 AM
I found it odd that the sparrows should chant above the priestess, is that done deliberately? A good poem, although it felt like there was another verse waiting to be written.
on Racial Hate by Glasseyez
29 Jan 2006, 3:43 AM
a) Blood is blue when starved of oxygen, and white blood cells are white (okay, you want to kill me now)
b) I think it would work more effectively in prose form
b) I think it would work more effectively in prose form
on A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina
28 Jan 2006, 12:15 PM
Yes, clever and entertaining, I like this one.
replying on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
28 Jan 2006, 12:05 PM
Lorelei is in myth a mermaid (I can't remember the details of where, somewhere in Germany there's a 'singing' rock in the valley's river which gave birth to the legend). The story goes that she was betrayed by her lover and threw herself into the river and died, becoming the mermaid who would sing to lure sailors to their death. To be honest, I wasn't sure about including that line, but I liked the sound of it and I liked the contrast between the holiness of Mary and the less-than-holy nature of Lorelei. I'm glad you like this one though, in the last two years it's the only thing I've written that I really like!
on Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222
28 Jan 2006, 5:44 AM
I've got nothing to say that others haven't already said...this goes onto my favourites list...