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After Rain (Sonnet) by Niphredil
They came before the sundown, a gentle multitude, Through rain-swept ground, without a sound, they mildly passed by The time had finally come, they knew, when each among them should Forgo their darkened shelter; venture out beneath the sky. All they sought was sustenance and each one moved in peace A world apart; to each its heart, to each its beating breath. Not a moment did they falter; not an instant did they cease The first one never saw the wind that heralded his death. It started on the puddled ground, beneath the setting sun A holocaust of car exhaust as brutal boots crashed down And all the broken figures of all those too slow to run Smashed into a frieze of suffering; convoluted on the ground. And everywhere the eye beheld a multitude of slain, On every road and sidewalk strewn with snails after rain.

Up the ladder: I love
Down the ladder: No delusions.

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Weighted score: 5.2145653
Overall Rank: 4376
Posted: January 26, 2006 9:26 AM PST; Last modified: January 26, 2006 9:26 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 209.193.9.194 | 26-Jan-06/10:10 AM | Reply
Nice, except the punchline ending.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 29-Jan-06/4:09 AM | Reply
Yes, I'd agree with zodiac here. You work the rhyme very well and the rhythm is fairly constant - although 'finally' in line 3 is tricky; I'm torn between giving this a 7 and an 8, 8 for now I think as I'm in a good mood, but this is well worth an edit and I'll be sure to check it again.
[n/a] Niphredil @ 132.68.204.141 > Ranger | 29-Jan-06/11:19 AM | Reply
Thank you. I always read 'finally' as a two-syllable word... perhaps that's stretching the meter a bit.
Perhaps,
'At last the time had come, they knew, when each among them should'
would be better?

Sorry for the punchline wreaking havoc, guys, but this was written a little tongue-in-cheek and I couldn't resist. :-)
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Niphredil | 29-Jan-06/1:37 PM | Reply
Yes, I like that more. As for the punchline, well fair enough!
[9] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 15-May-06/10:43 PM | Reply
Lovely. I just have a vague idea of what a sonnetis especially the rhyming scheme, which I think you have stuck to, and apart from that, the content is good. I especially liked the third verse, the line...'A holocaust of car exhaust as brutal boots crashed down'.
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