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Potential (Free verse) by Christof Drawn back into the day
I am slackened and rested
Like an unfired arrow.
I let myself fly into the night
Pitched out into dreams and restlessness
But waking found nothing
But an ache of inertia.
Fists rest in pockets like wars unwon
Eyes close on sights unseen
And all I've spent is unearned.
Up the ladder:
Apollinaire: Mirabeau Bridge
Down the ladder:
This Is The Sound of My Heart Breaking
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.166667
Posted: April 12, 2005 1:57 AM PDT; Last modified: April 13, 2005 3:42 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.851648 Overall Rank: 1567 Comments:
[10]
zodiac @ 212.118.19.157
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12-Apr-05/5:51 AM
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Reply
Drop one of the "drawn"s from the first two lines. Change "found" to "find", and possibly "spent" to "spent".
[n/a]
Christof @ 62.121.23.56
> zodiac
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12-Apr-05/7:07 AM
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Reply
Interesting - I like the tension created by the fact that 'let' could be present or past while 'found' and 'spent' tie it to the past. Do you find that ambivalence a hindrance? Similarly, I like the tension caused by the repetition of 'drawn back', hoping it prolongs the action in the imagination - perhaps this is not the case in practice. Thanks for your comments.
[10]
zodiac @ 212.38.134.51
> Christof
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14-Apr-05/3:03 AM
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Reply
I just don't think any of that works.
with polishing, it will be superb. some notes: the wordplay with the two drawns works but seems slightly incongruous with the poem's dreamlike tone b/c it's such an overt rhetorical display. also, "pitch", as in to throw, is incongruous with the arrow metaphor. one does not throw arrows.
I've done some revision - please tell me what you think. Thanks for your feedback, it has been very useful.
It was ace before, this I think is a step backwards. Words like slackened (the drawing of an arrow is not a process of slackening anyway) and loosed are too imprecise.
Well, you can never please everybody. But I think slackened is right -the arrow is not being drawn back to be fired, but is being allowed to rest, so that would mean a slackening of the bowstring. It makes the initial 'drawn back' rather paradoxical, suggesting the movement although it doesn't happen in the end. You're right about 'loosed' though - 'pitched' was better, like Hopkins' 'pitched beyond pitch of grief' (pang of grief? Can't remember). Anyhow, this will be the final revision. I can't stand it anymore. Pah!
Boy I know that feeling. You should've seen me fuss over a war/freight train poem. I fed it to the fireplace. In the meantime, welcome back, and the current state of this writ has me feeling a bit exhausted. I think that is what you were going for.
Nice! I still think your poem 'Instructions to a Sculptor' should be #1...
I like this a lot, ten out ten lets write again!!
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