Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	18-Apr-06/1:20 AM
It's taken a long time to come up with anything useful to say. I really like this one; I think you nailed it with the edit - it ironed out the couple of flaws (minor flaws, to be fair) in the original. The only thing I can say here is that 'ride on my shoulders Sunshine' might open up the possibility for drawing parallels with the myth of Atlas (which would fit the general fantastical feel of this). Good poem.
Re: a dream by lmp	18-Apr-06/12:47 AM
An enjoyable yarn, with some beautiful word choice. It feels like you might extend it further, describing who 'she' is (a goddess, a creator maybe). Nice read.
Re: meeting her gaze by digipoet	18-Apr-06/12:40 AM
Okay, critique o'clock. Too many uses of 'face' in such a short piece; the first stanza made me think this was going to be humorous/parodying. Find either synonyms (there are plenty of online dictionaries for these sort of things) or use different images. Second stanza is good, I enjoyed it. 'Parcels'? I didn't quite get anything so postal from this. Unless it's computing-based (I know just enough about technology to see there may be a connection). And again, 'face' appears too often. Final stanza - good idea, although Icarus comes in a bit unexpectedly (I've been guilty of doing this myself, it's true). The only real clues you give beforehand are 'meager rise/its ceiling low' which isn't really enough. Good ending though. I liked the form, I liked the rhythm and I liked the rhyme. I just think it needs the content worked on.
Re: talkstupid by 7!3	18-Apr-06/12:33 AM
Interesting idea. Well worked, although Dark Angel did it more concisely in haiku form. I like the asymmetrical mirroring of the last stanza with the end of the first. Let'snot Giveintothat boringcliche Knownas Emo
Re: actually chicken and mushroom pies are nice too by cav	18-Apr-06/12:28 AM
You don't live in Cardiff, do you?
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	17-Apr-06/11:45 PM
It works better, although the second line of that stanza is a syllable over. Perhaps 'She runs, her shadow shortens'. That would also eliminate the repetition of 'as'. I wouldn't change any of the imagery in there, it works beautifully, and with the shadow you manage to capture the middle of the day without being unnecessarily explicit and wordy. Suggestion for you to play with as you see fit: 'Watercolour laugh' - if you were thinking of changing the last line of stanza 2. It would fit with 'She runs', and would augment the 'lightness' of the piece. Just a thought though, you may not feel it's necessary. Vote moved up to 9.
Re: Sunlighting by ALChemy	17-Apr-06/11:30 PM
Why have I not read this one before? It's gorgeous. Killer final line.
Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	17-Apr-06/11:25 PM
'Stabile' jarred, the rest is wonderful.
Re: metadata by digipoet	17-Apr-06/2:14 AM
Entertaining, though brief.
Re: jay by ecargo	17-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Great fun to read, the final line is pretty cartoon-y. Plenty to see in only 5 lines; very well written.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	17-Apr-06/2:07 AM
Smartly written, would have preferred lowercase 'electric', but that's the only suggestion.
Re: Strangers in a foreign land by luzrheroguy	17-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Last two stanzas are pretty powerful.
Re: Murder by Enkidu	17-Apr-06/2:02 AM
Was there a reason for capitalising 'Cries' and 'Demons'? It's not a criticism, just that neither are proper nouns, and so don't take capitalisation. Unless, of course, there's a purpose which I missed (entirely plausible). Great flow. The opening stanza is a gripper. I think you can get away with using the full 'escapes' (stanza 4, line 3).
Re: greymo(u)rn by lmp	17-Apr-06/1:57 AM
Last two lines of stanza 1 are excellent. Was going to say that 'knarled' should be 'gnarled', but it actually works either way. Next time I'll try to be more awake before attempting a critique.
Re: view from the top by pollywolly	17-Apr-06/1:52 AM
Interesting. Is her glorious view of the sky, with the mist obscuring the unnoticed land below, or is it covering the glorious land, which she's trying to see?
Re: take a jump with me by hendrimike	17-Apr-06/1:49 AM
It'd be nice to see a bit more originality in the rhymes, and less repetition of 'dark'. Be inventive. I actually quite liked the last line though.
Re: Cólera by MacFrantic	17-Apr-06/1:46 AM
Cool. You might think about changing 'blood lets...' to 'blood letting/Sheer volume deliver/Where failing interest...'. It would keep the original 'blood lets' meaning, while also adding a little more coherence to that passage. As it is, there are three decent yet mostly unconnected lines. Otherwise, good fun.
Re: Another quarter. by richa	17-Apr-06/1:41 AM
Good work, like MacFrantic I don't think that 'frozen pie' really works for this; for one thing, 'frozen' so soon after 'frost' makes it seem like you were struggling for variation (not something which can be said often about your poetry). The rest is beautiful.
Re: Skellington Bakery by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	17-Apr-06/1:37 AM
Hmm, 'To spend perpetu'ty in "pain"' was funny. Liked the play of 'decedent'/'decadent'.
Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny	17-Apr-06/1:27 AM
Good first verse 'child eating cookies' would have sounded better in my opinion. I like the use of 'weary', to me it doubled as 'wary'. Stanzas two and three work well. Number four lost a little coherence in my reading - 'sleep insom(n)ia'? Also, I wouldn't have split the last line away - '...doesn't wear you out/my lovely independence' is preferable (for me, at least). Still, not bad.