Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	19-Apr-06/7:09 AM
Edit made: 'speckled bone'. It works better than previously.
Re: rush hour by pollywolly	19-Apr-06/1:10 AM
Not sure about using 'roar' so many times, although animalistic I'm sure there are alternatives which carry the same feral weight. Also, 'sand-made' panes. Other than that, I really like the idea in this, describing yourself, I presume, as a small woodland creature watching some savage, lionesque beast. In the main it has great word choice and good imagery.
Re: Life (the circle) by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*	19-Apr-06/12:45 AM
Well, you listed it as a Pimple so I guess I was forewarned. Let's start with the good aspects: it's not from the first person perspective, and you keep the pronoun usage down to a minimum (which is a very good thing in poems like this). There are a couple of nice images in here - like the scroll, but not nearly enough to give it a tactile feel though. You've also got some fairly creative ideas, linking in the words with four letters. Now for the crits. If you want to transform this from a Pimple into something which more people will read (and more importantly, enjoy), there are some pretty fundamental points to be made (if you just want it as an emotional release, that's fine...but people won't read it). Firstly, whereas there are no taboo subjects in poetry, not even depression and angst, these sort of topics are massively overused. So you have to be incredibly inventive and original to keep the reader's attention and interest. The abstract concepts you talk about in here (life, pain etc.) can be found in about 95% of Pimples, so either don't write about them, or find something completely new and unique to describe/explain them. The same applies to 'drowning, loosing (losing?), suffocating...' etc. I've already mentioned about giving more imagery with the abstract stuff. Read a whole load of the poetry on here, and any themes which crop up repeatedly, avoid. Or find a way of expressing them which hasn't been tried before. Attempting something new will get you more respect than reciting stuff that's been said a billion times before, even if the original writing doesn't work at first. People here will always give suggestions and help you look for connections and metaphors. Oh, and that's the other thing. Metaphors, similes and analogies will get you extra points in poetry. The trick is to make the reader do some work; don't spoonfeed everything to the audience. Okay, that was a fairly mammoth comment but hopefully it'll be of some use to you. Angsty poetry is very difficult to get to work well. The closest I've managed is with a glosa ('Inbetween Lovers') of god'swife's 'Blueprint' (read some of her stuff). It's a great feeling when you get it right.
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	19-Apr-06/12:21 AM
Great flow, energetic and fast. 3 typos: Spontaneous, ingest (although I like the idea of playing with ingest/in jest) and heist.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	18-Apr-06/3:59 PM
Ah, gotcha. Yep, your interpretation was some of what I'd intended to include. I don't know if the 'meta-villanelle' bit comes across enough. I know we have metakus here, but it might be a dubious link when other styles are concerned. This was essentially on not-too-dissimilar lines to my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	18-Apr-06/3:33 PM
Good idea, but tricky villanelle material :p
Re: a comment on A South London Lullaby by Caducus	18-Apr-06/3:10 PM
Good quote. Who's the most famous (infamous?) Old Testament prostitute? And more importantly, why can't I remember her name?
Re: Story remains the same by annadoc	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
Nice ideas. I think it deserves to be longer, simply because it rests on cliched lines (stories remaining the same, sum of all parts etc.) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in its current form it's just a collection of lines which have been said many times before. Yet I can tell there's more intricate thought behind this. Give some feedback to other users' poetry and hopefully they'll reciprocate and give you some useful inspiration.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	18-Apr-06/2:59 PM
Well, basically, this poem was meant for a very close reading. Maybe not Derrida, but approaching that level. I don't expect people to see everything I've put in here, but then again I expect there to be other readings of it which I've missed (Imp's already given one). The primary intention is to get a poem which reads well on the surface. You got that reading straight away, so the poem is successful (as long as it's enjoyable to read, of course). I am, on the other hand, interested to see what interpretations other people give this (and others of mine). If the ideas that I've consciously included come across, then the poem's even more of a triumph. If not, then I have to decide whether I can write them more clearly without disturbing the surface poetry. Thank you for commenting though (on this, and everything else). Getting a variety of thoughts is pretty much essential if I want to write universal poems. 'In Ethel's Honor' was a top poem, by the way.
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	18-Apr-06/2:50 PM
Good stuff. Imp's pointed out 'Princess', and Dovina has said about 'Rapunzel', both of which I'd substitute for something more Old Testament, which fits with Aaron - and also, 'tenements' conjures up 'tenets' as well (tenets of faith). My brain is a bit burnt out at the moment (still recovering my sleep pattern from doing night shifts), but a biblical whore (not Magdalene though, I don't think she'd fit) would seem right. Try as I might, I just can't bring the obvious name to mind right now, I'll let someone else help me with the Scripture.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	18-Apr-06/2:43 PM
Cheers =D the recent posts of mine are reasonably good, much better than the early efforts. But then, I've learnt a lot from poemranker. Much more so than from English lessons, which actually says quite a lot for Kaolin.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	18-Apr-06/2:38 PM
Fayre was meant for 'fair' as Dovina said, but I rather like your version. I might try working with that idea. Similarly, your ideas for the 'arrow' passage look good to me. I think I lost the thread a little by being so specific with 'cedar bow'. 'Feathered' is vital to the piece though - the arrow was meant to be the phoenix and also the pen which wrote these lines initially. It was written to receive a pretty close reading. I don't want to make life easy for you guys! This also gives you scope to craft interpretations which I missed - like the hunt, which fits nicely. In all honesty I didn't write in the Columbia at first. It was only when I reread an earlier draft of it that I made the connection. My father was friends with Rick Husband, so I imagine that's why I linked it. Ambiguity in some poetry is good, at least according to me. The one I'm working on at the moment is intended to take that to the extreme, but it's a long way from completion (somewhat ironically, as I wanted it ready for Easter). Thanks for commenting, it seems to be something of a struggle to get comments these days; all feedback is appreciated. I look forward to seeing your villanelle!
Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo	18-Apr-06/2:26 PM
Hmm. Nice to read, ecargo, thoughtful and full of regret. Every Pimple poet should read this to learn how these should be done, how the emotion should be controlled. I know I could have done with it at times. Great second stanza. Could the open hand idea give rise to card games? In a way it's the juxtaposition of honesty and competition. Honesty rarely wins in competition. And I rarely make sense in these sort of comments. Ah well. Good work.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	18-Apr-06/2:15 PM
Any time. There are plenty of rhyming dictionaries online; some of them useful. I know you don't want direct suggestions, but I reckon there are a fair few alternative phrases which would fit nicely and be a little less tricky. If I'm honest, my main problem with 'stabile' is that it instantly made me think that you'd misspelled 'stable' - even though that obviously wasn't the case, it still forced me to reread that line, which in turn interrupted my reading of the poem in its entirety.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	18-Apr-06/2:04 PM
I'm liking this edit. It seems more, well, complete than previously. You've got the day theme done well, I forgot to say earlier that I like how 'golden curls' invokes images of noon sun. Feel free to use anything I suggest; I tend to assume that any phrase I put forward won't be transferred directly, but sometimes seeing a passage in print triggers a train of thought which arrives at a different yet related phrase. This has a great variety of words in - something which is often lacking somehow in haiku collections. Overall, nice work.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	18-Apr-06/1:58 PM
As long as it made you think, that's the main part. Actually, it's meant to operate on three levels. There's the story of the phoenix (the literal story here), then there's the 'meta-vil' bit (rebirth of a poem from an old, dead one - of which I have many, hence phrases like 'A fallen leaf turns often'). Then there's the part which I am still working on - it's a metaphor for the Columbia disaster - I may have to find a way of building it into the title too. And finally there's the aspect which joins it all - 'feathered'. Most of the meanings of the word have been used in here with double meanings. 'Pitched', 'turns often in the air' (being a play on 'turns off', as in turning off an engine while in flight, 'glory's talons...' meaning 'feather in one's cap', and so on. So, with the explanation, how well does it work?
Re: Don't touch the chairs in a gay bar. by Stephen Robins	18-Apr-06/1:38 AM
You never struck me as being the sort who'd bother with gay bars.
Re: Lost and Found by annadoc	18-Apr-06/1:37 AM
The opposites made me think of that Meredith Brooks song, 'Bitch' ('I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed...'). I'm not sure about there being so many questions in this, to be honest, and the couplet rhythm is very abrupt. Still, there are some good ideas in it.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	18-Apr-06/1:30 AM
Decent edit. I've thought more about this and the double meaning in here is great. I was a bit hasty beforehand. It made me think of those bombers who disguised themselves as women, 'warheads' works really well with this. Damn good thoughts in here, vote increased accordingly.
Re: The Unknown Soldier by abcmonkey78	18-Apr-06/1:26 AM
Firstly, 'The Unknown Soldier' is the title of a Doors song; you might consider changing it in case people make assumptions. There are some good lines and metaphors here - 'iron hawks', 'leaded hornets' (should probably be 'leaden hornets'), and the last line is pretty smart too. There are a few too many commas and semicolons (as has been noted already), and a couple of grammatical crits, but on the whole it's a decent poem.