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Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) (Villanelle) by Ranger Pitched around inside this whirling fayre
Quill-scratch scream - swift dart from lava flow
A fallen leaf turns often in the air
Thought of glory's talons in his hair
Instead - a rosy skull, a cap of woe
Pitched around inside this whirling fayre
Across the burning hills he cried 'Beware
The flash of early column light', as though
A fallen leaf turns often in the air
This small bird was cremated there
Smoke-dawn lark encircled by grim crows
Pitched around inside this whirling fayre
There gathered flocks of ashes never shared
Which would scatter like a broken stone
A fallen leaf turns often in the air
Quiet offer of a simple prayer
Arrow feathered, hewn from speckled bone
Pitched around inside this whirling fayre
A fallen leaf turns often in the air
Up the ladder:
an ode to love
Down the ladder:
simply missing
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Posted: April 18, 2006 1:02 AM PDT; Last modified: April 19, 2006 7:09 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2980075 Overall Rank: 3713 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
it works as complexedly as ever, to be sure. i did read this through once and had to cogitate on it a bit and come back again for a second read before commenting. in fact, after reading this i went to work on a villanelle myself, but i cannot publish until tomorrow evening. rrrgh!
at first i was suspecting the traditional phoenix myth, which you have captured, but throughout and especially in the last verse led me to believe i was witnessing a successful morning hunt. i am not sure what metaphor the arrow and the cedar bow play in either of the stories. the "swift dart from lava flow" works well for the space shuttle... perhaps the "arrow feathered, hewn from bone" may work to describe the misfortunate end of the astronauts (as well as rhyming a bit more precisely, but i am not picking on the "stone - bow" rhyme, either). a very complex work, and wonderfully chosen words. the images are tangible, yet still morphing into the next line just as they are grasped. also, i took the spelling of "fayre" to be archaic for "fire", or is it - as Dovina noted - for "fair"?
Fayre was meant for 'fair' as Dovina said, but I rather like your version. I might try working with that idea. Similarly, your ideas for the 'arrow' passage look good to me. I think I lost the thread a little by being so specific with 'cedar bow'. 'Feathered' is vital to the piece though - the arrow was meant to be the phoenix and also the pen which wrote these lines initially.
It was written to receive a pretty close reading. I don't want to make life easy for you guys! This also gives you scope to craft interpretations which I missed - like the hunt, which fits nicely. In all honesty I didn't write in the Columbia at first. It was only when I reread an earlier draft of it that I made the connection. My father was friends with Rick Husband, so I imagine that's why I linked it. Ambiguity in some poetry is good, at least according to me. The one I'm working on at the moment is intended to take that to the extreme, but it's a long way from completion (somewhat ironically, as I wanted it ready for Easter). Thanks for commenting, it seems to be something of a struggle to get comments these days; all feedback is appreciated. I look forward to seeing your villanelle!
Edit made: 'speckled bone'. It works better than previously.
this is so great....
question about line 8: "The flash of early column light"... would this be a little clearer as "The early flash of columnar light"? as in the column of light flashed too early, or it happens early, and beware the flash in general? still amazing, and i know you want to refine it more to carry more meanings... bravo, encore.
Hmm, you might well be right. I'm debating whether 'columnar' or 'columned' would fit better.
New idea for line 17:
'Arrow feathered, flew, chiselled bone' I think I want to keep the flight aspect of it. I'm not sure if this edit quite works with the rhythm yet or not.
chiselled bone would be too base, obvious and concrete,...? struggling to find the right word here... IMHO
Here goes...I had to do some research for this one - I like that though :)
*For your intended three-part "levels" if you will, I find the poem too undefined to really see by MOST readers, some will be on this level however. *Don't care for your choice in "fayre" in light of "fair," coming from a Plath lover & Shakespeare, well, dis-lover...you get it. *But more predominently overall...you do not need me to tell you that this is a well thought out piece that definitely stands for a second or third read; it deserves this much anyway. Very "vintag" poetry (with vintage technique). Very smart. ~Sunny
The truth is... I am lost as to what your point is behind the poem..... the phoenix... well, that's acceptable. but the rest? I think I have to re-read this tomorrow... or when I get the time, at the earliest. I am not familiar with meta-vilanelle and extra stuff like that and hence I refrain from voting. My vote wouldn't be fair.
you have a nice play of words though!
I doubt very much whether 'meta-vil' is a true class of poetry, but I've used it as a reflection of the metaku (a haiku about writing a haiku - this poem is a villanelle about writing a villanelle). Essentially, think of the poem as a phoenix; the dying phoenix is a false start which gets turned into a new poem. That may or may not make sense...I have probably over-complicated this poem if I'm honest. It can be summed up in the fallen leaf line.
And then there's the play on 'feathered', which was partly to join the stories together and partly for fun. This was written to demand rereads and a close analysis - thanks for taking the time =D
Oh...Oh my...this has to be one of my favorites.
Hauntingly beautiful, and beautifully crafted. Lovely, lovely. All but the line: "Which would scatter like a broken stone" change that and you get my 10...keep it, and get a high 9 :) Have I ever told you I am in lust with your mind, at moments like this?
;-)
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Actually, it's meant to operate on three levels. There's the story of the phoenix (the literal story here), then there's the 'meta-vil' bit (rebirth of a poem from an old, dead one - of which I have many, hence phrases like 'A fallen leaf turns often'). Then there's the part which I am still working on - it's a metaphor for the Columbia disaster - I may have to find a way of building it into the title too. And finally there's the aspect which joins it all - 'feathered'. Most of the meanings of the word have been used in here with double meanings. 'Pitched', 'turns often in the air' (being a play on 'turns off', as in turning off an engine while in flight, 'glory's talons...' meaning 'feather in one's cap', and so on.
So, with the explanation, how well does it work?
I sometimes think that a poem I have posted, like âIn Ethelâs Honor,â is easy to understand. My fear in that one was that everyone would find it too simple and lacking any importance. As it turns out, my clear thoughts were not so clearly expressed, and most people misunderstood at least part of it. All I was trying to show is that he was a persevering man who did what he could. Sometimes I intend double meanings, even triple meanings; but Iâm beginning to think that if I get just one simple idea across, the poem is a success.
Thank you for commenting though (on this, and everything else). Getting a variety of thoughts is pretty much essential if I want to write universal poems.
'In Ethel's Honor' was a top poem, by the way.
A fallen leaf turns often in the air
The wind lifts and turns it,
moving it the windâs direction,
fickle wind the bird controls,
but the leaf cannot.
I don't know if the 'meta-villanelle' bit comes across enough. I know we have metakus here, but it might be a dubious link when other styles are concerned. This was essentially on not-too-dissimilar lines to my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'.