Re: In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	17-Apr-06/1:21 AM
Good lines, it has villanelle potential in my opinion. Would've preferred 'winding rain' as it retains the stormy aspect and carries a little more imagery, but you may feel otherwise. Again, I'm not convinced that you need to be specific with 'sixty-one years', but that's just my preference. Well written
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	9-Apr-06/9:48 AM
I'd already said about my work hours...I must be losing the plot...
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	9-Apr-06/9:46 AM
Fast-lane? Not for me right now. I'm working nights at my friendly local supermarket to pay for uni, so my time is divided loyally between sleep and work. And I slept really poorly today (it's 5.38 in the afternoon, I've been up for hours whereas I wouldn't normally wake till 6 or 7) so I look and feel like shite. But I console myself with the knowledge that it's only temporary and the work really isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be. Writing will be an unknown joy for me as well in the next couple of days, my brain can just about cope with reading the 'sell-by' dates on stuff, no more. I know what you mean about school, half my lectures are completely uninspiring at the moment and I should be essaying like a maniac but I'm really not interested. Next year will be different.
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	9-Apr-06/9:39 AM
Yes, angst does feature. It was tempting to label it as a Pimple, but I think I controlled the language enough to stave off that fate. In my opinion, there is no sentiment that shouldn't be written about in poetry, as long as it's written well. I hope she does like it. I rarely manage to write fitting tributes.
Re: A Salute to Vile by MacFrantic	9-Apr-06/9:36 AM
Love the fragmentary form of this, as usual your imagery and description is bold and still demands a lot of work from the reader to interpret this. Dovina's guess sounds as good as anything I could muster up, but to be honest I actually enjoyed reading this without trying to find a meaning.
Re: Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom	9-Apr-06/9:33 AM
Aha, theeasterbunnyofdoom strikes again! There's some good stuff in here, although as Dovina said, it does lack cohesion. I wasn't sure if that was intentional though, given the title. If it is, all I can suggest is being a little more vivid with the imagery. If each stanza is more or less a standalone section, they need to have plenty of colour to give them some sort of individuality and character. The first line set the standard for that, but the rest mostly didn't live up to the imagery. I wasn't sure about stanza 3, it seems a little overused, although the 'journeying companions' could be used to save it. There are a few grammatical glitches, but I'm tired and will let someone else pick them. This comment probably sounds like I didn't enjoy the poem; I actually did, but I think that with an edit or two it will be far more striking.
Re: James The Dashing Pirate(Rewrite) by Luzr	9-Apr-06/9:26 AM
Great words, I felt as though the metaphor could be taken further; I don't see quite enough of the swashbuckling, buccaneering nature, hunting for treasure and adventure. And although the Casanova line is good, I didn't think it managed to fit well with the pirate theme. Aside from that, well written and enjoyable!
Re: Or Outward by MacFrantic	9-Apr-06/9:20 AM
"furies'", is this "fury's" or are furies a type of creature? That's the only grammatical crit I have with this, it reads well and, yes, is vague but it really did leave me desperate to find a meaning to it. It feels as though there is a message, or something like that, hidden just beneath the words. In all honesty, the whole thing sounds like it's a code or a series of anagrams for something. I'll have to return to this if I'm going to find a meaning. My brain is fried right now.
Re: Happy Birthday Satou by raven_the_poet	9-Apr-06/9:07 AM
Nice, I hope it was appreciated.
Re: Heaven Help Me by cyan9	7-Apr-06/12:59 PM
Good descriptions, would personally get rid of the 'and' between anxiety and longing. Stanza 2 = superb. Will hopefully have more intelligent suggestions to make tomorrow. Till then, have an 8.
Re: a comment on Morning City by Jack Diamond	7-Apr-06/12:50 PM
Aha, I guess I missed that bit. Perhaps for the sake of clarity you might want to work in a line just hinting a little more that it's your cat waking you...I only say this because stanza 1 is a great description of dawn, but I've never known dawn to arrive that early. It is a very peaceful poem though.
Re: a comment on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	7-Apr-06/12:40 PM
M6 = motorway
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	7-Apr-06/12:38 PM
Good to see it works! I feel it needs more work on the rhythm, but I'm working nights at the moment and as such my brain isn't operational between the hours of 7am and 10pm. Therefore edits will wait. Anyway, how are things going these days?
Re: Buried by Enkidu	7-Apr-06/12:21 AM
So close to conjuring up great imagery - I can actually picture the setting, but it's almost entirely down to my imagination and associations of woods and nymphs. This is the sort of piece which requires a bit more on the author's behalf; give us some more scenery. What's there is good, but I'm greedy. I want more.
Re: Feelings for a Lost Love by denisebar2006	7-Apr-06/12:18 AM
I hesitate to attempt a critique of this in case the story is genuinely true. I don't want to hurt feelings or seem offensive here. The emotions are conveyed in this and the tale itself is tragic, but as far as the poetic side goes, it needs work. There are a couple of typos to iron out, and some of the rhymes are a bit overused and unoriginal (and stanza 1 in particular feels very forced). I'd like to see more description - tell me who he was, make me visualise him, visualise you as well. The end of stanza 2 and start of stanza 3 are good, this has plenty of promise but needs refining. I do hope this isn't a true story though.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	7-Apr-06/12:11 AM
'lays' (line 18) should be 'lies', I think. I'm very tired right now so I might be wrong. I like this although 3am seemed wrong - either you've stepped back in time or you guys start seriously early. 7am would have worked better, to me at least. Cool last line.
Re: parlor games by digipoet	7-Apr-06/12:07 AM
Hmm, failed chat-up line followed up by an icy stare, this is brief and effective. Did you ever read drnick's 'Buried in the Booth'? Pretty much the polar opposite of this. I'd be tempted to put another line after 'her gaze asphyxiates', probably one to keep the rhyme more solid there. Maybe just 'unfazed', or something like that. Otherwise, very cool.
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	7-Apr-06/12:03 AM
Well the thing with it is that we can tell it's you talking, on account of the pretty intimite detail you give. What you would achieve by keeping it entirely in the third person is a sense by which the reader can relate to it as well, and can apply their own experiences of childhood. Am liking the look of the song; perfect glosa material, that!
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	7-Apr-06/12:00 AM
Cheers D. I'm hoping god'swife will read it and tell me what she thinks of it sometime. That poem of hers set my mind going like nothing I can remember for a long time.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	6-Apr-06/9:31 AM
Ah, some changes to this! It works fantastically well now, one of your best, I think.