poemranker ::Buried by Enkidu

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Free verse № 141929

Buried

by Enkidu

Member since 2004 · Posted 6 Apr 2006 · Edited 6 Apr 2006 · 4 comments

For the sake of Gallantry I'll tussle in the wood And make an offering To nymphs Of condescending good There I shall unweave The very fabric Of your soul And ask the Earth To swallow us Beneath her Weathered knoll

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mean 5.40 weighted 5.05 rank 6902 views 162 View voting details →

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4 comments

[5] Dovina 6-Apr-06/1:57 PM Reply
It lacks an authentic or vivid setting and tries to compensate for that shortcoming by using empty words. Consider a quick poem:

The day I lay me down to sleep
Never again to wake
I hope to see no loved ones weep
With heavy hearts that break
For I will be in heaven’s land
And sit with God above
A servant at His hand
Receiving all His love

There’s nothing wrong with my idea. I want to comfort loved ones so they do not grieve, but rather celebrate. But my poem lacks vision – what heaven might look like, for example, or how a soul feels there. There is no real setting given other than symbolic words.
[8] Lifeboatman 6-Apr-06/2:16 PM Reply
nice...
[7] Ranger 7-Apr-06/12:21 AM Reply
So close to conjuring up great imagery - I can actually picture the setting, but it's almost entirely down to my imagination and associations of woods and nymphs. This is the sort of piece which requires a bit more on the author's behalf; give us some more scenery. What's there is good, but I'm greedy. I want more.
[7] ecargo 10-Apr-06/7:18 AM Reply
You don't set this up enough--it needs more context and story. Second verse is better than the first.