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Iron Sky (Triolet) by MacFrantic
She adopted manners of a sort Rough, unpolished worship of the soil Pollack praise her colorful retort She adopted manners of a sort Cursed the iron skies before the court Relieved us of the burden of her foil She adopted manners of a sort Rough, unpolished worship of the soil

Up the ladder: Awakened Dream

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Weighted score: 5.0476813
Overall Rank: 6874
Posted: February 22, 2006 7:17 AM PST; Last modified: February 22, 2006 7:17 AM PST
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Comments:
[5] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 22-Feb-06/11:25 AM | Reply
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.77 | 23-Feb-06/12:36 AM | Reply
There are several commas missing in my view, but otherwise not bad.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.77 > Blue Magpie | 23-Feb-06/12:38 AM | Reply
but on second thoughts at least one of them should be a fullstop.
[7] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 23-Feb-06/9:35 AM | Reply
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
[n/a] MacFrantic @ 204.98.2.23 > ecargo | 23-Feb-06/1:42 PM | Reply
Actually, I was refering to satirist Neal Pollack. The lack of commas is intentional. Also, "burden of her foil" is taken in a figurative sense, hence her cursing the sky.
[7] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.37 | 26-Feb-06/11:17 AM | Reply
I'd say you've quite a few pieces better than this. In my opinion, this ain't very impressive. I wish I could pin point.
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