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Iron Sky (Triolet) by MacFrantic She adopted manners of a sort
Rough, unpolished worship of the soil
Pollack praise her colorful retort
She adopted manners of a sort
Cursed the iron skies before the court
Relieved us of the burden of her foil
She adopted manners of a sort
Rough, unpolished worship of the soil
Up the ladder:
Fate
Down the ladder:
it's all about the aeroplanes
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Posted: February 22, 2006 7:17 AM PST; Last modified: February 22, 2006 7:17 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0476813 Overall Rank: 6900 Comments:
[5]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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22-Feb-06/11:25 AM
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Reply
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
There are several commas missing in my view, but otherwise not bad.
but on second thoughts at least one of them should be a fullstop.
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
Actually, I was refering to satirist Neal Pollack. The lack of commas is intentional. Also, "burden of her foil" is taken in a figurative sense, hence her cursing the sky.
I'd say you've quite a few pieces better than this. In my opinion, this ain't very impressive. I wish I could pin point.
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