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Triolet № 139512

Iron Sky

by MacFrantic

Member since 2003 · Posted 22 Feb 2006 · 6 comments

She adopted manners of a sort Rough, unpolished worship of the soil Pollack praise her colorful retort She adopted manners of a sort Cursed the iron skies before the court Relieved us of the burden of her foil She adopted manners of a sort Rough, unpolished worship of the soil

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6 comments

[5] Dovina 22-Feb-06/11:25 AM Reply
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
[n/a] Blue Magpie 23-Feb-06/12:36 AM Reply
There are several commas missing in my view, but otherwise not bad.
[n/a] Blue Magpie › Blue Magpie 23-Feb-06/12:38 AM Reply
but on second thoughts at least one of them should be a fullstop.
[7] ecargo 23-Feb-06/9:35 AM Reply
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
[n/a] MacFrantic › ecargo 23-Feb-06/1:42 PM Reply
Actually, I was refering to satirist Neal Pollack. The lack of commas is intentional. Also, "burden of her foil" is taken in a figurative sense, hence her cursing the sky.
[7] amanda_dcosta 26-Feb-06/11:17 AM Reply
I'd say you've quite a few pieces better than this. In my opinion, this ain't very impressive. I wish I could pin point.