poemranker ::Good old days by amanda_dcosta

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Free verse № 141889

Good old days

by amanda_dcosta

Member since 2005 · Posted 5 Apr 2006 · 10 comments

When she was little, a life carefree, She'd sing and dance in her home by the sea. She'd chase butterflies all day long, Singing 'Send me the pillow', her favourite song. She'd swing her arms above her head Go round in circles on the green turf. She remembers how happy she used to be In a world of her own. Gone are those days when she'd run wild and free Play I spy with friends or climb up a tree, Or jump from the branches, or slide down a wall If only she could relive it all. If only I could relive it all!

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

10 comments

[7] Dovina 5-Apr-06/11:41 AM Reply
The first verse sets up a rhyme scheme, which I expected to see in the other verses, and missed in Verse 2.

The last line changes from third to first person, repeating the previous line, making the poem personal, and losing the structure. I think it's best to stick with a structure, once started.

A poem with nostalgic recall of earlier times can be very effective, but it's also a very common thing to do. I think it needs metaphor or unusual wording or specific events to set it off as being different.
[7] Ranger 6-Apr-06/9:12 AM Reply
As with your last one, this leaves me longing for a little more description. The ideas are there but this is like a sketch when you want to see a watercolour.
I agree with Dovina about not changing the last line to first person; I'd also suggest losing the exclamation mark...they don't work as well in poetry as they do in prose.
You might want to give us an excerpt from 'Send me the pillow' as well, and use it as the basis for another stanza, maybe?
Very pleasant to read as it is, though.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Ranger 6-Apr-06/11:20 PM Reply
Dovina and Ranger,

The main body of the poem is to describe the feelings of a little girl who once was me. That girl had a wonderful childhood that she wants it all back.... The feeling is so intense that that girl, now, the present me just wants it all back... and hence it's in exclamation, and changed to the first person. It's more like a sigh. Maybe, I could delete the last line or change it back to the third person.

Thanks for the critiques and votes.

4/4....Send me the pillow that you dream on
Don't you know that I still care for you
Send me the pillow that you dream on
So darling I can dream on it too.
[7] Ranger › amanda_dcosta 7-Apr-06/12:03 AM Reply
Well the thing with it is that we can tell it's you talking, on account of the pretty intimite detail you give. What you would achieve by keeping it entirely in the third person is a sense by which the reader can relate to it as well, and can apply their own experiences of childhood.
Am liking the look of the song; perfect glosa material, that!
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Ranger 7-Apr-06/1:02 AM Reply
Well then, the last line goes (in the edit). Am convinced enough.
And the song... this is my all time favouorite. Very nostalgic memories attached to it.
[8] ALChemy 7-Apr-06/6:59 AM Reply
The second stanza is jolting because, as Dovina said, it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Lose the last stanza, it's not needed. Being vague sometimes can make your poem more applicable to other peoples situations and thus more easy for them to identify with it. The thought of the last line in the poem is already in the readers head before they actually see it. So if you take away the last line the sentiment will still be there without you having to actually say it. One of the best things about poetry is when somrthing is said without actually being said.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 7-Apr-06/9:52 AM Reply
Hmmm... Thank you. The last stanza, you say as in 'If only I could relive it all!' ? Looks like it's fired.

Gotta go. Am off for ten days, going down town... home. Will be back after Easter. Till then, see you guys and have a Happy Easter.
[7] Dovina › amanda_dcosta 7-Apr-06/3:17 PM Reply
A better and more concise saying of all that's been said, I cannot imagine.
[8] richa 16-Apr-06/2:35 PM Reply
Decent enough. No need for the last line though. I think we get it by then.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › richa 26-Apr-06/11:37 AM Reply
richa... thanks for the critique and vote. was away and saw it only now. Thanks.