Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/9:19 AM
'boken bottles'? I really do need that dyslexia test...
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/9:19 AM
I don't like 'squelched', it doesn't feel poetic enough for this piece. Perhaps 'quenched' would do the trick better? Love the idea behind this and I love the format, I was expecting rhymes at first but it didn't feel any the worse for being unrhymed. Now, this might be evidence that I need to take a dyslexia test, but 'many battles passed/some broken rocks' had this wonderful effect of making me also read 'boken bottles', a perfect illustration (to me, at least) of the rocks. Was that intentional? Great last stanza.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	6-Apr-06/9:12 AM
As with your last one, this leaves me longing for a little more description. The ideas are there but this is like a sketch when you want to see a watercolour. I agree with Dovina about not changing the last line to first person; I'd also suggest losing the exclamation mark...they don't work as well in poetry as they do in prose. You might want to give us an excerpt from 'Send me the pillow' as well, and use it as the basis for another stanza, maybe? Very pleasant to read as it is, though.
Re: test by Adriaan	6-Apr-06/8:42 AM
Marvellous! Brought a smile to me!
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	6-Apr-06/8:39 AM
Great stuff, but I'd prefer this in more complete phrases - i.e. without the breaking up of sentences. 'The great light bandit' is a super line.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Great first line, like the play on 'damned'. The whole thing gives me a good impression of the muddy flats. You could possibly play on the aged femininity a little more, wrinkles in the mud and hair etc. Great description though.
Re: The Dark Ark by MacFrantic	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Is this about the Titanic? Good lines, I either love or hate the bracketed clauses, I'm not sure which yet though. 'Shapeshifting moon' = tres cool, as is 'water in a fury shelled'. It could do with just a little more description, other than that, great!
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	6-Apr-06/8:16 AM
'Lichen tawny' is possibly the finest descriptive pairing I've ever seen.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	3-Apr-06/11:28 AM
Ah, okay I see your meaning in stanza 1 now. Perhaps rather than changing the tense, turn 'I have a man who wakes with me' into something a little more ambiguous. 'I always wake seeing that man...'? A clumsy way of putting it, I know, but with a bit of refining it might work.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	3-Apr-06/11:14 AM
I'd better go and revisit Psalm 23 myself before I comment more on this. I like it a lot though.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/11:09 AM
It does have the meaning you gave it, the 'club' reading really only applies if you've been in that position. It was on my mind when I wrote it, so I guess that's why I saw the images that I did. I'd like to think that what I write is generally speaking fairly ambiguous, at least enough to allow for other readings. At the same time, this is more a 'personal piece' (whatever that might mean. At the risk of sounding tremendously pretentious, 'A cagier lightning' is an anagram of my name. Hence why it's easier for me to apply the title to the poem.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	3-Apr-06/11:02 AM
'Pulling out the negatives...' - good passage. First sentence of paragraph 3 I don't like, unpleasant and somewhat cliched. I'd replace the repeated 'teardrop', the first time you use it is fine, after that it starts to wear, and makes the piece seem like you were struggling for words. Last line - "heaven's". Critique aside, I enjoyed this. 'memories that I barely recognised and had no desire to recollect'...I felt that line strike.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/10:43 AM
Think of the 'being in a club, too shy to go and talk to a girl, finally giving your courage the appropriate metaphorical kick, being at a loss for what to say, then looking up to find she's gone off with someone else' scenario. The purple rolling sky sits nicely with the smoky, dimly lit air in these places, I think. As for the voice, think thunder following the lightning - like the lightning's at a loss for words. Also, 'over ground voice' was meant as a sort of play on 'over-ground voice'. I always think my voice sounds harsh and grating when I'm straining to speak above the noise in clubs. It doesn't help that I hate the places... Make more sense? I've been trying to figure out ways of increasing the clarity in this one without giving too direct a reference to what I'm talking about.
Re: a comment on Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	3-Apr-06/4:00 AM
Nothing wrong with that. From everything I've heard, it seems to be easier to find a good book, although you're more likely to find a decent read than a decent man in the most popular section (guess who's in a bitter mood today =D )
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	3-Apr-06/2:27 AM
'Kodak graves' is great, as is 'Allah...his beard an omen in clouds' (regardless of whether or not they were actually cirrhus). I'd agree about the last stanza though. Stanza three is magnificent.
Re: Once by xXxDemonicAngelxXx	3-Apr-06/2:24 AM
If you're looking for feedback I'd recommend giving some first. This is okay, not my style really but there are some good lines. 'You once were the savio(u)r of the day' reads nicely. 'here every sound' should be 'hear every sound'. Too many cliches though, invent rather than take what you've heard before.
Re: A child's father by rahson_s	3-Apr-06/2:20 AM
Yes, this isn't at all bad. The title's a bit awkward (a child automatically has a father, and to be a father requires having a child). I think you're going for the emotive effect there; in which case 'A Son's Father' would probably work better. Good content, it feels a little too informal in places (I mean, I'm thirty-three', 'never once') but they aren't hugely important criticisms - just how I read it.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	3-Apr-06/2:16 AM
Reads like a diary entry up to the last stanza. The first two lines are a great intro, but the main body feels like it could do with a little...well, poetic exaggeration. You don't have to go over the top with it, but in my opinion it could do with a little more embellishment with the factual aspect.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	3-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Good description, nicely vivid. Is there another meaning that I'm not seeing? The last line is great to read aloud.
Re: Fiery Hands by Sunny	3-Apr-06/2:08 AM
There are some top lines here (you seem to be pretty consistent at coming up with good stuff!) but some bits don't keep up the standard. And I really don't like the disjointed stanza endings - personally I'd turn them into properly punctuated stanzas (as Dovina suggested). Excellent imagery though. It's great to see poetry like yours here.