Re: Monsters by raven_the_poet	3-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Line 19 ('arteries') seems to be without a rhyming partner line, have I missed it? Nice style of writing, as has been said it's not the most gripping subject matter (it felt like you were playing a computer game in some places) but then again, master art takes mundane and mediocre themes and turns them into fantastic works. Keep writing, you've got great potential!
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	3-Apr-06/1:55 AM
The only thing I'm not sure about here is that you start in the present tense, then go to reminiscing about the past...and I got the impression that he left you/you left him, in which case he can't wake with you as stanza 1 suggests. I may well have missed something (poems longer than about 3 words always require me to read them twice), if so disregard what I said. If it is the case that the two of you split, change stanza 1 to the past tense. Also - 'lumpy arm' didn't go down well, not at all graceful. I guess maybe he wasn't graceful, but if you were in love I'm sure you could have found something more flattering. Other than that, great! It feels rather like a neo-folk song.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	3-Apr-06/1:46 AM
Yes, I'd agree that it works better like that - it needs the explanation that is offered in that stanza.
Re: a comment on Old Friend by drnick	31-Mar-06/2:34 PM
Good to see you posting again, by the way...I'm glad to see the last term hasn't done any harm to your writing!
Re: a comment on Old Friend by drnick	31-Mar-06/2:33 PM
I have a couple still brewing away waiting to be put to paper, and another villanelle to submit, but I've been away recently - and tomorrow I go home for Easter, so maybe over the weekend. I'll have a think about this piece overnight too, see if I can give you a suggestion for that line. Maybe something along the lines of: "Like the radio playing an old song"?
Re: a comment on Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7	31-Mar-06/3:46 AM
Free verse doesn't have a rhyming pattern? I beg to differ. If one were to write a rhymed poem which didn't conform to any set structure, it's fine to call it a free verse, surely? Agreed about the anon 10s
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	30-Mar-06/1:57 PM
'It was quiet, like the clattering of non-existent saucepans'.
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	30-Mar-06/1:55 PM
Stanza 3 is hilarous, and the 2nd line of that stanza is pure genuis!
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
Yes, a very smooth edit. It works much better as a piece of prose. I feel that maybe in a couple of places you'd do well to add in an occasional shorter sentence to link the longer passages together a little more clearly; but see how other people read this first. Also, you could seperate the last bit from the rest: '...the regulars left their tips And he ordered himself his first drink.'
Re: Quiet Hands by Sunny	30-Mar-06/1:00 PM
Niphredil got it spot on by suggesting you don't repeat words (not so soon, anyway). I also found it interesting that the first stanza could be put directly in front of the last, and with the addition of a little punctuation it would work nicely. I'd love to see if you could apply this to the whole poem; work it so that any stanza could lead straight into any other. I found the line breaks a little disruptive, but that could easily just be my way of reading it.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	30-Mar-06/12:53 PM
Beautiful, one too many 'loves' though, maybe replace the second one with something else. Other than that, I'm not going to complain about something as sweet as this.
Re: A Melody by MacFrantic	30-Mar-06/12:50 PM
Smoothly done, violent like a game. The imagery is very strong (as with most of your stuff, come to think of it!)
Re: Kristi's Quiescence by matt door	30-Mar-06/12:45 PM
'Her saddest smile...' got me going, I feel there's more waiting to be said from there. However, I also think it would spoil the swift beauty of this one. I really like the brevity of it, although I'm not convinced by the first two lines. Still a very pleasant read.
Re: Old Friend by drnick	30-Mar-06/12:41 PM
Cool stuff, I thought the first line of stanza 2 was a bit unoriginal and didn't quite fit with the rest of that stanza. I like the rhyme scheme and the quick rhythm of it. 'My mind cannot fathom even in post-graduate fashion' is a smart line. I actually think the last stanza might just about hold up...but ecargo is right that it doesn't sound right when read.
Re: Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	30-Mar-06/12:32 PM
This is top stuff, although I had to read it twice. I could tell it was a upbeat poem, but it could very easily have the complete opposite meaning (relating in particular to a friend of mine, otherwise I probably wouldn't have seen a darker side to it) and I thought it a shame to give such a negative reading to a great piece like this =D
Re: Cat Feet by Niphredil	30-Mar-06/12:15 PM
I completely missed the deafness in here, i was thinking of people being deliberately quiet so as not to disturb someone who they think is asleep (maybe terminal in a hospital). It's a good poem without the explanation, but it's a super poem with it.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	30-Mar-06/12:03 PM
'English girls like Kylie Minogue'...I can't tell if you're having a laugh or not! Partying? Lord no, a few days in Cornwall...pretty much the antithesis of partying.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	30-Mar-06/8:55 AM
I've never used 'twee' in my entire life, old chap. Well, maybe once or twice, but that's beside the point. I shall return and comment later on this and others; have been away for a few days and only just got home (completely knackered). Cool poem though, with any luck I'll say something more useful this evening.
Re: a comment on Follow by firestar_2580	24-Mar-06/2:54 PM
Oh yes, and for descriptive poetry, read ecargo's poems. Her 'sea' ones in particular are fantastic at conjuring up images.
Re: Follow by firestar_2580	24-Mar-06/2:51 PM
Love the description, don't love the ending though. It would be a whole lot better if you ended at 'beacon, lighting' (I think, anyway). I'm also not convinced by the 'witchy' aspect (dancing unclothed beneath the moon), but that's probably just my personal prejudice. Try expanding it just a little - it leaves me somewhat unsated as it is. I'd recommend having a look at drnick's 'Lonely Road', it's something similar to this. As with the poem you just posted, I think this has good potential but needs work. Have a look round at other poems here, leave comments with people and you should hopefully get other people giving you advice and ideas back.