Re: Rose by firestar_2580	24-Mar-06/2:30 PM
Hmm. Nice in places, although there are a few grammatical points. Apostrophes are only for possessive forms, letter omission and numeric plurals. so rose's should be simply roses, and look's should be looks. Aside from that, this has some pleasant word choices and some decent passages. 'She seemed in constant motion...' is sweet. I'd change 'lovely', it's a little...well, simple in comparison with the tone of the poem. Also, 'nude' would (to me) sound better as 'unclothed', or something like that. It's probably only due to so long exposed to Dark Angel, but the word grates somehow. The only thing that I don't like is the transition from first person at the start to third person; I assume you're referring to your soul as 'her', but it's not clear. Oh, and I'd better say before anyone else does - 'Rose' is an enormously overused title...if you can find something a bit more original then the poem would benefit. Keep working at this one, it has promise. 7 for now, I feel there are edits left to be done though.
Re: a comment on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger	24-Mar-06/2:04 PM
You wanna be a real gangsta, you gotta go here: http://www.gizoogle.com/ You have the name, now get the lingo and the attitude.
Re: a comment on Buddy by ALChemy	24-Mar-06/1:47 PM
Becoming? I should hope so too! You wouldn't want God to have to look down on a shoddy piece of headwear now, would you?
Re: Sea Words by ecargo	24-Mar-06/1:42 PM
Love the play of words in the title too. Although it's taken me over a day to recognise it. *taps skull*
Re: a comment on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger	24-Mar-06/1:39 PM
Yeah, I get what you mean about the links being a bit too obscure. I might try and write Dickens back into this sometime in the future as when I think of him I always think of London at Christmas. Dovina got the Cain connection spot on, I might have a think about whether I can bring him back too. You're right about getting others to read through it...much as I wanted to make this a 'personal' piece (this 'writing from experience' lark isn't as easy as it sounds...) the response I got was that I had to get rid of the name. In the murky world of organised crime I would be 'One-Shot', it seems, armed with (of all things) a candlestick. And I have a respectable number of victims too. Is your codename even halfway as cool as mine?
Re: a comment on Buddy by ALChemy	24-Mar-06/1:23 PM
Depends what it's made of. Hmm, 'Godproof hats'...it's a niche market, certainly.
Re: a comment on Mid-July by Ranger	24-Mar-06/1:21 PM
Thanks Scarlett - that's made my day (well, evening anyway)! It's weird, but when I drafted this first I thought it was utter rubbish - I'm glad I stuck with it now =D Good to see you about!
Re: Dying for Your Sins by drnick	24-Mar-06/1:17 PM
Good stuff, I think I agree with Dovina about "he's" and "insecurities", maybe replace it with "passions"? Love the wordplay in "rusted tears" (tears cried, tears in the skin). One suggestion; after regrets, how about 'every one finds a way out...' - a little more working around the double meaning in here. Good to see you about, I hope the semester ends well for you!
Re: a comment on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger	23-Mar-06/3:48 PM
Hmm, that's interesting - you and ecargo have different views on this. Well then, rather than constantly edit this and infuriate people, here are the two passages as they originally were: 'Like a street scene in a Dickens novel Scarf and shawl - I sing "Qui etes-vous, belle dame?"' and 'Bound and still in awe, enthralled just like the guilt of Cain Eyes closed all in vain'. What are the preferred options? Polling starts now. Thanks for your views, Dovina - as always they're appreciated.
Re: a comment on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger	23-Mar-06/1:25 PM
Okay, edit finished. I'm keeping the nightingale (now you know why) but other than that I think everything else has been altered slightly. I still think it needs work...but I just can't figure out what to change.
Re: Buddy by ALChemy	23-Mar-06/1:15 PM
Not even when the wind blows? I liked this.
Re: a comment on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger	23-Mar-06/10:16 AM
Wow...that was epic! Probably the longest comment I've ever received - I'm not happy with the poem as it is, so this is exactly what it needs! The problem with writing it is that as I know all the events it's easy for me to associate the images (hence the reference to Dickens etc.) Plus, my surname is Nightingale, so again that seemed obvious to me but won't to most people. Errm, where next...ah yes. 'Storm of emerald...' passage. That was meant to get more ethereal (as in 'seeing' the ghost, the memory seeming real). 'Deep dark mattress vein' being the bed appearing shadowed like a grave in the moonlight, followed by the gallows image. The grammatical points I think you're right about...I tried twisting the language about a bit but in quite a few places it doesn't work. Time to get the notepad out and write all this down so I can redraft, methinks. Cheers for the suggestions, I need the advice for this one. Somehow I find glosas very tricky to write, particularly from songs (even if the songs are excellent =D)
Re: Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny	23-Mar-06/6:39 AM
Gorgeous, again. You've hit a winner with the last stanza, it's one of the best I've ever seen! Personally I'd remove the brackets, and change 'lovely' (it seems a bit too...basic, perhaps, in comparison with the rest of the poem) and one of the 'suns'. Changing the first one would work well in my opinion, it makes me think of you looking at a mango as the sun rises behind it. I love the 'hazy-eye sky/London's smog' passage - I hate London for the most part but you've got this absolutely dead on. 'Exaggerated reality' - is that talking about the glorious image people tend to have of London when in reality a lot of it is, well, grubby? Top stuff, keep them coming!
Re: Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow by Sunny	23-Mar-06/6:38 AM
Yes, agreed with gw about the last line, and there are some stunningly vivid images here - 'naked blue background', 'magnolia trees' etc. work beautifully. 'Resolution of minced cocaine' is also quality. Good stuff, time to read your other post!
Re: Sea Words by ecargo	23-Mar-06/6:33 AM
Yep, this did it for me.
Re: Squalid by Caducus	23-Mar-06/6:32 AM
This is one thousand percent right. And well put, at that.
Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch	22-Mar-06/3:11 AM
god'swife! You're back! No conscious creativity? As I recall, your last post wasn't exactly shoddy - and besides, you always have something useful to say. Good to see you again, and I hope your imagination fires back up to standard!
Re: Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0	22-Mar-06/2:57 AM
Yes, Dovina and wilco are spot on, I think. This is excellent material as a draft or as ideas on a page but they'll take work to bring together. Every poet has written about a rose at sometime or another - but it's as good a place as any to start. The first line is really nice, so build on it!
Re: The Right Call by Dovina	22-Mar-06/2:51 AM
Made me think of the 'Genie' case - am I on the right lines?
Re: a comment on The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	21-Mar-06/10:15 AM
Ah. That makes sense. Having not been to Coventry, I would never have got that - but on explanation it's pretty clear to see in the poem.