| Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins |
21-Mar-06/8:07 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins |
21-Mar-06/7:16 AM |
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I must protest. 'Ben Fogle' was a respectably splendid endorsement of a national hero.
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| Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead |
21-Mar-06/7:01 AM |
Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there.
My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says.
Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!
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| Re: The Coventry Blitz by Caducus |
21-Mar-06/6:48 AM |
I thought I'd commented on this the other day...I must be losing it. The first stanza rocks; I see the factories/industrial side overtaking the more traditional aspect of the city, and also the smoke rising in spires - umbilical cords of smoke (and fire - rising sun).
'Decrepit' is perfect for the ruins, again it makes me think of (three) columns of smoke.
Not sure about stanza 3 - the passage about Godiva (your local legend) is really good, but it doesn't quite fit the gloom of war, at least not in my reading. It's a brilliant passage though.
Stanza 4 is great. Other than 'Their' (should be 'There'), no complaints.
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| Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch |
20-Mar-06/2:46 PM |
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So? Charlie the First wasn't over popular, we killed him and forced his son into exile, then when we realised that our 'local boy' Cromwell really wasn't all that great we suddenly decided that we wanted Charles II back in the adoring arms of Glorious Britain. We're fickle sods like that.
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| Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch |
20-Mar-06/2:38 PM |
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Zodiac, 'Scottish' is also 'British'. As in 'part of the British Isles'. Be polite.
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| Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch |
20-Mar-06/2:35 PM |
Is this the von Daniken theory? With the two-thousand year-old batteries and all? I never did get round to reading that, I probably should.
And yes, I agree that Scripture is unlikely to be an entirely accurate representation of the original covenant - although I'm bound to be hit by plenty of Divine Translation believers. Having said that, there is a lot more to be said for taking the Story of Creation at least semi-literally than first appears.
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| Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch |
20-Mar-06/2:30 PM |
"Suppose there is a computer...is the computer God?"
No, whoever programmed the computer is God. For the computer to be, there must have first been an intelligent designer.
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| Re: Muff by Stephen Robins |
20-Mar-06/8:19 AM |
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'I swear I saw an ewok grinning between your legs' is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site! *snigger*
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| Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch |
20-Mar-06/8:17 AM |
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I'm surprised to find myself saying this, but I have a book of dream interpretations and once, upon having the most abstract dream ever, I looked up the meaning of it and though 'what a pile of bollocks'. And hey presto - the next day, it happened. Spooky?
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| Re: Old ways by ecargo |
19-Mar-06/6:08 PM |
Very...well, Tolkien. Yet again you've given a brief poem crammed to the rafters with great lines and stark images; I might have to refer to this as 'Comment #1', as I get the feeling that I'm likely to post this, or words to these effects on everything you write!
'Reap and reel' was my favourite excerpt from this, made me think of fields on one side and the sea on the other...but also of stone and wild grass pathways. 'Black hags...' was another class line.
All in all, a top read before bed!
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| Re: a comment on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0 |
19-Mar-06/6:00 PM |
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Quarter to two in the morning where I am...and uni tomorrow...I really ought to get some sleep.
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| Re: a comment on Soccer by x0lovelylarnx0 |
19-Mar-06/5:58 PM |
Yeah, you guys have too many sporting resources for the rest of us to compete. Over here funding for sports facilities hasn't been ideal recently, hence the fact that we pin all our hopes at major tournaments on a few individuals.
I ought to visit the States sometime, one of my housemates is half American and raves about Florida; personally I'd love to see the Great Plains and the Lakes (particularly Superior). But that won't happen for a while yet.
With regards to the sport: at least we have the cricket. You'll never beat us at cricket! God bless the Ashes.
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| Re: Soccer by x0lovelylarnx0 |
19-Mar-06/5:46 PM |
Yeah, I was playing earlier...getting fired up when the ref doesn't give a blatent foul...too true, too true.
I get the impression that the old football - soccer - is taking off on the other side of the water, great to hear, but please don't start dominating this sport like you have everything else!
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| Re: The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0 |
19-Mar-06/5:43 PM |
Personally I haven't ever tried sonnet writing, that's something I'll save for a rainy day, so to speak. But the comments you've received on this haven't been of any use, so let's see what can be said. I believe that sonnets (particularly Shakespearean sonnets) are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. For a quick definition, look here:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=iambic+pentameter
(hopefully the link will work)
Some of the lines are nice, but you could be more creative with the rhymes. Rhyming is tough, far more than it seems - and the trick is to find really original and unexpected. Don't worry too much about getting exact rhymes, although 'life/fight' and 'boat/hope' are stretching it a little. Google search for an online rhyming dictionary - there are often a lot of rhymes for simple monosyllabic words which you'll see and think 'I knew that...why didn't I think of it first?' I certainly know I do.
Errm, that'll have to do for now - it's pretty late here (or early, depending on when you usually wake up). Good luck with any revisions of this!
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| Re: a comment on Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina |
19-Mar-06/5:23 PM |
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Credentials? Maybe. Credenzas? Certainly.
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| Re: a comment on Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina |
19-Mar-06/4:55 PM |
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Ah - whereas I got the trainee/inexperienced doctor bit I thought it also hinted at drug testing too. The other day there was a big news story (I've checked it out now) about an antibody drug test which went spectacularly wrong - it had been tested on animals with no ill results, but when taken by humans it caused massive reactions and left them in monstrous amounts of pain - I think two of the 6 are still critical, one on organ support. So yes, very topical.
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| Re: a comment on Looking Back by x0lovelylarnx0 |
19-Mar-06/4:27 PM |
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No worries, just a lighthearted post, that's all. Don't worry about changing 'elementry'. Phonetic poetry sometimes works well, but it takes a lot of practise to get working.
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| Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina |
19-Mar-06/4:20 PM |
D. - this is a kickass poem, serious yet amusing and the rhyme/rhythm scheme is almost flawless. 'The best of possible care' didn't quite fit right with my reading of this, but other than that, no faults.
Is this related to the events in the news recently? I never did get round to checking that out like I meant to.
Great poem anyway.
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| Re: Never Love A Poet by Caducus |
19-Mar-06/2:31 PM |
This just popped up on the random cycle, at last a decent poem to arrive through it!
Ordinarily I'd read but not comment, but this has so many grand lines in...'I must feel seen' is quite astonishing even in its relative simplicity. And I can't really say how awesome I think stanza 3 is. I just can't.
Superb.
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