poemranker ::Monday Morning by Sunny

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Free verse № 141906

Monday Morning

by Sunny

Member since 2006 · Posted 5 Apr 2006 · 3 comments

Sky of nights cast iron heat- the hot breath and the cauldrons. I lie staked to her claim. The Evening has me under her skirt and a rope 'round the ankles. I breathe in my exhale… wearisome I vent my own black mouth. Teardrops hiss at the gravel; the crazed torrent flattens. The metallic sky that hangs over my brow is my ceiling-the great light bandit. My eyes hibernate in their deep dark pots, and I want white linens to cocoon me up. With morning comes a shine and a turning of lights into my window, a child that is spiraling. The sky’s smog lies inside our dumpsters from last nights regret. Sky burns blue, canvas is ready.

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.15 rank 5260 views 154 View voting details →

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3 comments

[9] ecargo 6-Apr-06/7:07 AM Reply
This has some really cool imagery and language. First line--"sky" should take singular verb "casts," not "cast." Might want to drop the articles ("the") in the second line. "Wearisome, I vent . . . " something's off here. (For one thing, you're basically calling yourself tiresome. Do you mean "weary"?) Second stanza--some cool imagery. I like "I want white linen (maybe make it singular?) line, but sugg. dropping "up"--white linen to cocoon me.

"With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line.

Really like this, overall.
[8] Ranger 6-Apr-06/8:39 AM Reply
Great stuff, but I'd prefer this in more complete phrases - i.e. without the breaking up of sentences.
'The great light bandit' is a super line.
[8] Dovina 6-Apr-06/11:40 AM Reply
Some great phrases and vivid images. But I'd rather see it tied together with transition and clearer flow of the story. It's not a story, but you show sequence, loosely connected.