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Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) (Free verse) by Dovina
I looked past the fence, toward the lopsided house, where stood a woman with a sack, a pail in calloused hand, her head leaned slightly back. From behind her skirt, a goat with precocious beard and hanging ears looked up at her as though to hear. He seemed to feast with eye and ear, and showed it with a bleat. And she, with downward look, considered the humble beast. The scene so spoke with fervent tone, I almost knew her heart within my own, and felt kindly toward the goat— weak, hungry maybe, but not alone. I watched them with delight, a lovely pair. Through thicket, out of sight, I saw the workings of her face, and his subservient plight. Though too far to hear her voice, her words I thought I heard, and heard them better than the goat, who felt, but never understood. “What ails you, little one, how may I help? Your pasture grass is green, its blades are young and sweet. Your water too is fresh and clean.” “What is it that you seek? What’s tugging at your heart? Your limbs are strong, and beautiful you are.” “Are you not happy with the view— the flowers, mountains too. The other day, through fence you squeezed, To eat the corn, not just a few.” “Have I not long supplied your food, protected you from dog and poacher, even scratched your ears and head? Would you rather have another master?” Then the goat with sheepish eyes cowered behind her skirt, as if to say, “I ask too much, I’ll just lie here in the dirt. With you I’ll stay, content today, your grace and mercy share. All my days I’ll be your goat, And count upon your care.” Then I went along my way, her eyes in me on him alone, her voice still clear inside. Perhaps I knew her heart within my own.

Up the ladder: The End
Down the ladder: Veins of spilt wine.

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6477
Posted: April 3, 2006 10:28 AM PDT; Last modified: April 4, 2006 2:52 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Ranger @ 86.131.52.197 | 3-Apr-06/11:14 AM | Reply
I'd better go and revisit Psalm 23 myself before I comment more on this. I like it a lot though.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 3-Apr-06/11:18 AM | Reply
It's not necessary to read Psalm 23 first. This is a scene I saw wihle riding a bicycle along a country road, and it brought to mind the Psalm. But you may interpret it entirely without that reference.
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 3-Apr-06/1:19 PM | Reply
You start off great, with a natural voice and nice half rhyming but then you start Yoda talking and your rhymes get a little forced in the second half. Make the second half look a little more like the first half and I'll ace you.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > ALChemy | 3-Apr-06/4:19 PM | Reply
Yeah, Yoda-talking is getting passé in this age of the NOW. No decent poet would stoop thereto. “Name one poet who reverted to writing in a style from a previous era.” Well, Yoda, for one – he reverts to Wordsworth: “Away she goes, up hill and down, and to the wood, at length is come.”

Suck, my rhymes may.
In antiquity, my style lay.
But under the sun, nothing new has come.
[8] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 4-Apr-06/7:25 AM | Reply
Oh, I could live with the Yoda talk if it fit with the poem and was consistant. It's just the first and best half doesn't use The Force so to speak and so it's better to stay consistant with the begining.

Cute, your little Yoda rhyme is.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.6 | 3-Apr-06/2:30 PM | Reply
the first -within- could be replaced with a semi-colon, I think. I'm no puncuation master. The last line, remove -almost-. It will speak louder and step better. Yeah, -corn, a few. Baaaad girl.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > INTRANSIT | 3-Apr-06/5:12 PM | Reply
But doesn’t the homely “within” hark back simpler times. And doesn’t the final “almost” remind of having witnessed a tender scene and wishing it were yours to the extent that it almost is? And “’corn, a few’ Baaad girl”? – I am so naïve as be completely uninformed as to what you mean.
[8] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 4-Apr-06/10:46 AM | Reply
Quite a realistic description to the psalm. It is the flow though that could be noted... a bit unbalanced. On the whole I like it.
[8] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 > amanda_dcosta | 4-Apr-06/10:51 AM | Reply
What is a female goatherd called?
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > amanda_dcosta | 4-Apr-06/2:57 PM | Reply
A California escapee seeking refuge in the hills of Tennessee.
[8] drnick @ 141.218.35.109 | 5-Apr-06/10:33 AM | Reply
I like it, but...psalm? This makes me think of how I was growing up as a teenager, and the sequential maturing into my current relationship with them. The only thing is my mom never rubbed it in like this woman did.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > drnick | 5-Apr-06/11:28 AM | Reply
It doesn’t have the voice of Psalm 23, where David, a shepherd, speaks as a sheep. It’s told by an amateur who looks on. I might remove the Psalm reference from the title. Maybe the woman rubs it in too much; maybe you’re right.
[9] Ranger @ 86.140.71.26 | 6-Apr-06/9:31 AM | Reply
Ah, some changes to this! It works fantastically well now, one of your best, I think.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 6-Apr-06/11:26 AM | Reply
Thanks, I’m still thinking I don’t need or want the Psalm 23 reference in the title.
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