| Re: Letting go by Caducus |
11-Apr-06/3:09 AM |
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a change of style for me.
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| Re: Face of Iran by Caducus |
13-Apr-06/7:49 AM |
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| Re: Tea and Battenburg by Caducus |
20-Apr-06/7:44 AM |
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| Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta |
28-Apr-06/2:00 AM |
Sweet and good natured but no means your best.
Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
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| Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina |
28-Apr-06/2:03 AM |
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on.
last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps.
Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
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| Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins |
28-Apr-06/2:08 AM |
4th stanza was nearly a coffee spitting experience from cracking up. For using fisticuffs i have to rob the queens sword and wipe it on your lapelle.
Fuckin hoot, and the best man with a bouquet is something i want to forget but is like a friggin pussycat dolls chorus and haunts me to a rage.
Great poem for that friday feeling.
typo line 8 - not that you probably care.
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| Re: A predatorâs Joy by Dovina |
2-May-06/9:09 AM |
2nd stanza good but drop the word - and - it reads better without it. I think lines 3/4 of S1 are too verbose, how about -
bawling into the megaphone
strong language sieved by mono
insult, logic,
scratching dirt over mistakes....
just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
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| Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy |
17-May-06/8:29 AM |
I dont think I have seen something so mixed in that some of its really good such as the 72 virgins and L2V1 but it slides into the not so good with words like twat. I'm all for bad language but your work here is a cocktail of par excellence and below average.
I'm inspired and disappointed all at once lol.
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| Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy |
17-May-06/8:37 AM |
Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about.
The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about -
mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss
only to fade on its burning mouth
close to her lips where i drowned
only to surface with lies.
something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
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| Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger |
19-May-06/2:45 AM |
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below)
You are,
a small gold leaf
blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But,
if you had these eyes,
you would see
him sitting,
in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him,
with every other seeking bliss
and so on......
it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be.
Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
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| Re: Seizures by Sunny |
19-May-06/2:49 AM |
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lose a few of the and's then you have yourself a good poem
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| Re: Foray by richa |
19-May-06/5:31 AM |
You do personal poems well. Should there not be their?
I always admire your meter and how you keep the narrative behind the poetry.
Line 5 is my favourite as I love the exposure of nature combined with a Fathers caring eye.
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| Re: Play ball he said by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
19-May-06/5:35 AM |
looks like a copy and paste that went horribly wrong -
a shame as some of its okay but t be honest it gave me cataracts :-&
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| Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina |
19-May-06/5:39 AM |
Sorry this one made me dizzy and like my boss needs a makeover.
Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it.
C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
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| Re: Goa by amanda_dcosta |
19-May-06/5:42 AM |
ahhhh Goa the place where one attractive woman attracts a zillion indian men with fruit and cheap ornaments.
Lovely people, lovely place and good to see a poem on it.
Leave poemranker out though - it has no place in Goa :)
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| Re: Wonât Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta |
2-Jun-06/6:18 AM |
Few problems in this one are it's too self pitying which shrouds any chance of empathy.
Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me.
Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jun-06/6:21 AM |
lines 6-8 took me to LAX for a while and I have never been there.
Pretty solid, little gods in blue could be shortened to wailing gods in blue or something to that effect.
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| Re: Non-Partisan by MacFrantic |
2-Jun-06/6:23 AM |
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i feel like this sometimes, line 2 is good but it seems to be in fash every year.
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| Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp |
2-Jun-06/6:25 AM |
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Opening 2 lines of S3 are the thorn in this, other than that it holds together in a frayed kinda way.
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| Re: trained by calliope |
2-Jun-06/6:26 AM |
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