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trained (Free verse) by calliope Sweep down and gather the clouds
in an aluminum bowl.
Travel through the trellis
where the vagrants have embellished
the delicate, delicious
cement with graffiti.
Climb up the side of the
Sears Tower.
Wipe all the windows where
widows were made
after businessmen husbands
were pimped at and paid.
Then spend some time
on the platform at night.
Let a few trains pass before
you ride.
And take in the sights
before you burrow beneath
and disappear til your lonliness
brings you back here.
Up the ladder:
criminal
Down the ladder:
Coffee is my new God!
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: May 29, 2006 11:19 PM PDT; Last modified: May 29, 2006 11:19 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.880797 Overall Rank: 10162 Comments:
solid.
not very good - dreadful spelling and grammar. I'll be kind and give it 1/10.
188 view(s)
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A few thoughts:
-L5S1: I don't find your choice of "delicious" a great amplifying of description
-L3S2: A nit-pick...but I would add "where" to the following line to enhance a cleaner line break if I were you
-Even though a very shadowed one, you write of the city's character & personality per say pretty well.
Nicely done.
~Sunny
Sweep down and gather the clouds
in an aluminum bowl.
Travel through the trellis
where the vagrants have embellished
the delicate, delicious
cement with graffiti.
Climb up the side of the
Sears Tower.
Wipe all the windows where
widows were made
after businessmen husbands
were pimped at and paid.
Then spend some time
on the platform at night.
Let a few trains pass before
you ride.
And take in the sights
before you burrow beneath
and disappear til your lonliness
brings you back here.