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Lost In Her Effervescence (Free verse) by ALChemy Loving you is like swimming in soft waters
of a cold boiling ocean beneath the driving rain,
tumbling through swarming bubbles, like your fingers
running, dancing, fumbling along my skin.
Your kiss a gasp for air that isnât there.
A chill so, that it burns the illusion
of fire, desired over frigid despair.
In my bones, they know and cry out swim
and so I struggle and as I struggle form
more foam to soften, to sink me further in
from mothering sunâs warmth into smothering
blissful abyss, only to die as the suds die.
As if they donât really exist.
Lost to the oldest of lies.
Up the ladder:
I Have A Love
Down the ladder:
Innocence
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.857143
Posted: February 14, 2006 11:27 AM PST; Last modified: February 14, 2006 11:27 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.4994626 Overall Rank: 2739 Comments:
If you haven't given it yet, here are my suggestions.
Except for the half rhyme you could stand to lose "in soft waters of", so do the next best thing: drop "of a cold boiling ocean". Or somehow combine the two. "beneath the driving rain" is one instance where you can drop "the". "tumbling" and "boiling" seem a little too easy and light for your cold ocean. I'd prefer edgier words. She might not. And easy way to handle punctuation AND edge would be to simply say "I tumble through swarming bubbles." I want to hear more about the air that isn't there. Is there time? It's a great hint of image/predicament/etc, anyway. "A chill so, that it burns the illusion / of fire," - ??? That's a little grammar-weird. I can see why, but... "In my bones, they know" - since it's you bones that know, it'd be best to clear that up: "My bones, they know", "In my bones, I know", "These old bones, they know" - something. That's all. And again, I think you'll get laid whatever you do with it.
This is going to be a hard fix because the "S" words seem to give me that ocean sound and the "B" and "D" words give my bubble sounds and the scattered rhymes and half rhymes seem to fit in as well. So I still want to keep those things in mind when making adjustments. Besides it's a silly little love poem. It has little logic to me, only an abstract feeling I felt that I could think of no better way to describe. But you're right on most accounts, definitely on the "bones they know" part.
I'll let you get back to the new recruits we've picked up here. You surely have your work cut out for you.
Fire and ice, air and un-air - bonus points for making "cold boiling" work. Cool.
I struggle to relate any lovemaking I've known to cold or boiling. Soft - yes. Swarming buggles - maybe. Fingers running and dancing, fumbling - yes. But a kiss as a gasp for air - well, can't relate. A chill that burns - yes, right on. But frigid despair - that's a let-down. The next part eludes me. But blissful abyss is okay. And only to die as the suds die - yes. And I don't like the last two lines. Just an opinion.
It's about loving a girl that I know is someone elses. Hence the hot/cold and other juxtapositions. What I feel is one thing, what is real is another.
Although I've never felt "swarming buGGles" when I was with a woman I certainly do look forward to it some day :) The poem sounds so passionate but in reality it's quite sad, that's the big let down I think. There's probably alot of men out there who missed the boat with you feeling like this poem and you don't even know it, you little heartbreaker you.
We oversimplify men's feelings too often. Seldom does one give us the inside story. I want to write about it soon.
Can't blame you, we men tend to oversimplify our feelings when expressing them.
When sheâs upset itâs tears, blubbering, and a thirty-minute monolog. When heâs upset, he says, âWhat the hell were you thinking?â Who was the most upset? Thatâs what I want to write about.
Oh, I didn't realise you were just putting opposites next to eachother without though of the dire and terrible consequence of such an action. I thought you were attempting to write a poem that made sense.
The bubbling which is often associated with heating-up but was actually caused by the swell of a river or a plunge pool or something which was cold is a smart metaphor. But how the hell is the ocean cold and boiling. :(
See definition 2 here:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q I suppose I could have said "of a cold seething ocean" but then I'd have lost the juxtaposition.
Hmm not bad. I like the phrases 'soft waters', 'cold boiling ocean', 'blissful abyss', 'die as the suds die'. Things like this make up your poem. About critiquing it, looks like other's have already done so about what came to mind. She's a lucky girl to have someone still dedicate a valentine special to her.
Line 8 - is it meant to be 'cry out "Swim..."'? That would seem to make more sense to me. I like 'mothering sun', I take it that is a semi-play on 'mothering sunday'? It makes that passage a neat little metaphor for life.
I'm not totally sure about the last line, in a way it unbalances the 'positive/negative' equilibrium of this piece.
Yes "swim". It just felt weird putting something you were feeling in your bones in quotations but I think you're right.
I'm American and you know how ignorant we tend to be about other countries holidays so although Mother's Day, because it falls on sunday, came into play(more so as an afterthought) the term Mothering Sunday was unknown to me until now. It started more as an auditory word play on the opposites "mother" and "son". I have a tendency to stray a little from the structure of my poems in the last lines because I like how it makes them stand out and it seems to give the poem better closure. In this case it sinks the poem into a sense of surrender I think.
Ah, that makes sense as well. I love your style of writing, it means your poems allow such a variety of interpretations whilst retaining a definite continuity - so bravo!
Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about.
The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about - mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss only to fade on its burning mouth close to her lips where i drowned only to surface with lies. something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
Yeah, "Suds" kinda bugged me too but froth was the only other word I could come up with and that sounded even worse. The blissful abyss line was sort of the image of someone the moment they succumb, arms outstretched, drifting. It seemed to just look rather blissful. I like your suggestion alot although it doesn't quite go with the loose half rhyme scheme I had going. You got me thinking now.
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I figured it's Valentine's Day, might as well post a love poem.