Free verse № 138974
Lost In Her Effervescence
Loving you is like swimming in soft waters
of a cold boiling ocean beneath the driving rain,
tumbling through swarming bubbles, like your fingers
running, dancing, fumbling along my skin.
Your kiss a gasp for air that isnât there.
A chill so, that it burns the illusion
of fire, desired over frigid despair.
In my bones, they know and cry out swim
and so I struggle and as I struggle form
more foam to soften, to sink me further in
from mothering sunâs warmth into smothering
blissful abyss, only to die as the suds die.
As if they donât really exist.
Lost to the oldest of lies.
18 comments
I figured it's Valentine's Day, might as well post a love poem.
Except for the half rhyme you could stand to lose "in soft waters of", so do the next best thing: drop "of a cold boiling ocean". Or somehow combine the two.
"beneath the driving rain" is one instance where you can drop "the".
"tumbling" and "boiling" seem a little too easy and light for your cold ocean. I'd prefer edgier words. She might not.
And easy way to handle punctuation AND edge would be to simply say "I tumble through swarming bubbles."
I want to hear more about the air that isn't there. Is there time? It's a great hint of image/predicament/etc, anyway.
"A chill so, that it burns the illusion / of fire," - ??? That's a little grammar-weird. I can see why, but...
"In my bones, they know" - since it's you bones that know, it'd be best to clear that up: "My bones, they know", "In my bones, I know", "These old bones, they know" - something.
That's all. And again, I think you'll get laid whatever you do with it.
I'll let you get back to the new recruits we've picked up here. You surely have your work cut out for you.
Although I've never felt "swarming buGGles" when I was with a woman I certainly do look forward to it some day :)
The poem sounds so passionate but in reality it's quite sad, that's the big let down I think. There's probably alot of men out there who missed the boat with you feeling like this poem
and you don't even know it, you little heartbreaker you.
The bubbling which is often associated with heating-up but was actually caused by the swell of a river or a plunge pool or something which was cold is a smart metaphor. But how the hell is the ocean cold and boiling. :(
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q
I suppose I could have said "of a cold seething ocean" but then I'd have lost the juxtaposition.
I'm not totally sure about the last line, in a way it unbalances the 'positive/negative' equilibrium of this piece.
I'm American and you know how ignorant we tend to be about other countries holidays so although Mother's Day, because it falls on sunday, came into play(more so as an afterthought) the term Mothering Sunday was unknown to me until now. It started more as an auditory word play on the opposites "mother" and "son".
I have a tendency to stray a little from the structure of my poems in the last lines because I like how it makes them stand out and it seems to give the poem better closure. In this case it sinks the poem into a sense of surrender I think.
The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about -
mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss
only to fade on its burning mouth
close to her lips where i drowned
only to surface with lies.
something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
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