Caducus17 May 2006

Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about.

The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about -

mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss
only to fade on its burning mouth
close to her lips where i drowned
only to surface with lies.


something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.