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Love Poem (Free verse) by josiefiend
I’ll paint a line along your chest with my tongue Like a trail of acid. Watch the skin rust and corrode, Watch it melt away and let the blood seep through. Red, glossy, so purely and beautifully you, And so warm to the touch. The taste makes me drunk Like warm whiskey and lemon. The smell is warm too, Just like home, fireplace and all. As the blood pools I’ll bathe my hands wrist deep Like a coat of dark, bitter chocolate. I’ll run my hands over my skin like an artist And paint your warmth into mine. When I’ve saved the courage, I’ll sink my fingers into you, Grip the jagged edges of skin So I can tear open the curtain of flesh between us To put my hands inside, And know how you really feel. Gliding my hands over muscle and bone, I can feel your lungs filling Deep and fast. I’ll move closer to put my ear over your heart, My face, all my skin smeared and dripping red. That way I can hear your heart beat loud and clear until it slows and stops As you bleed out completely for me, Your heart bared, and I on the inside.

Up the ladder: I Have A Love
Down the ladder: Lost In Her Effervescence

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.857143
Weighted score: 5.4994626
Overall Rank: 2744
Posted: October 30, 2003 2:49 PM PST; Last modified: October 30, 2003 2:49 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] kingit @ 67.68.48.37 | 30-Oct-03/3:08 PM | Reply
I'm milked, like your Halloween costume! My blood tastes more like a fine blend of absinthe & moosehead
[8] baphomet @ 24.126.116.54 | 30-Oct-03/4:41 PM | Reply
you hav a thing with the word glossy.
?
8
[8] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 | 31-Oct-03/1:11 PM | Reply
This has a heady density of language and a fantastic theme that is dying to be cultivated.

As it sits, it's quite memorable - but I think with some pruning (sorry for the cliche, but more showing instead of telling), and a stronger sense of Structure this thing would be exceptionally powerful.
[n/a] josiefiend @ 4.35.159.51 > Shuushin | 1-Nov-03/5:24 PM | Reply
Ah, such a usefull comment! My hero! That's a good suggestion. I do intend to clean this one up, think it could be better put together as well.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 | 31-Oct-03/1:18 PM | Reply
Haunting. Provocative. Nude. Perhaps you would enjoy my poeme "GOODBYE TO MEAT". http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=32833
[7] newdawnfades @ 128.208.65.134 | 31-Oct-03/3:18 PM | Reply
Disturbing visuals, and the style's a little raw, but good.
[6] titan69 @ 62.31.23.63 | 1-Nov-03/12:05 PM | Reply
I also like getting inside
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