Man, you started off excellent. Just wished the ending was more intense.

lol

lol, answer your cell phone!!! Lmao!

Nice!!!!!!!

lmao!!!!!!!!!

..............

i thought this was super, great use of descriptive language where you can almost here the children playing and chattering. well done

But over all the negative comments it made since

Your right, anxiety is the enemy.

Amen to that.

lol

!

lol

not a sestina

I get the "rules"-Leviticus intent, I guess (Leviticus is the book that deals w/ rules and ritual, right?), but the connection seems flimsy.

The main problem with this is too much telling, not enough showing. Dave Chappelle does a bit about being driven into the projects and knowing that's where they were headed because: "gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store." That raises an immediate image, just those few words. That's what's missing here. More "liquor store, the greasy hot-dog stand" and less narrative and blatant point-making.

Some nice detail, but some of your images don't hang together quite right. "She was green but full of spring, fascinated with chicken wings." Huh? Swizzlesticks mix but aren't mixed, that kinda thing. Amusing.

this seems to be a very angry piece atlest that is the way i read it but i cant seem to find reasons within the anger that justify it?

i like this piece alot. very accurate descriptions and quite animated. i would love to see you write a piece from a different angle e.g how wonderful winter can be. well done

If it says what I think it might, it's a nice picture. Could you make it more clear, and say stand instead of stands?