ALChemy
on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta
16 Jan 2006, 3:18 AM
You have validated her work in my opinion.
Not quite specific and structured as your previous piece. Somehow the punch is missing.
this is lovely. i like the way you reversed the language in S2.
To answer your title question, no. It would help to get the grammar right; but even then, I don't see that it makes sense.
This is a poem I wrote last year (21st Jan), while on the train, on my way to my Grandma's funeral. Her name is Pearl Heldt, and she was such a wonderful person to me and my family, and it was with deep sorrow and gratitude that I wrote this. You might find a lot of portions need editing, but I have kept it this way, unedited, due to the fact that I wrote it spontaneously, within 15 - 20 min. for her. All the same, critiques view is welcome. We will be celebrating her 1st death anniversary on the 20th Jan. May her soul rest in peace.
Hmmm, now what do I say? Is this from real life experiences that have had a beautifully, strong outpouring of love being described? Looks to me like it is. I'm quite impressed by the choice of comparitive characters.
By the way, where's the reference to " Naked Gods" that dovina has pointed out to, or has this piece been edited? ( Sorry Dovina, am not trying to point out anything against you.)
I like this better than the others--a little more oblique but more effective for it. "Two became one flesh" is a cliche; might want to recast in more original words. Maybe start off with a stronger word than "It"--what hit like an asteroid? Stands in for the real word, which is always less direct and, thus, effective.
this is really good, i read this first then pt2&1 and prefer this. the opening is powerful and makes you want to read on while this powerful message is drawn to the end in same way. very blunt language used to good effect. well done
A nice lyricism to this.
This is good,but I think present tense would be better than dodging, drinking, ratioining, etc.
Do you mean "snowflake"? I like leaflorn. I think the semicolons can go.
When you use a twist on a cliche in your title, I expect to find some allusion to the cliche in the poem. I like the third verse.
Change "moulded" to something like welded or fused. Moulding doesn't work that way. Mould means to cast.
Did Egyptian gods knight people? Did you know Lucifer and Venus are the same celestial object? Aphrodite and Venus are pretty much the same goddess.
Still it sounds very beautiful.
I'd rather you did not delete the comments when you make a revision. If you make a major revision, like this one, it seems better to post it as a new poem.
Better than the first.
Very beautifully worded. may be a bit forced, but on the whole you could justify your choice of words. Your presentation of the theme is what stands out. Good work.
"none to straddle worlds or shoulder skies."
is a great line.
"We break us like ice;"
is unclear; what do you mean by this?
Sorry, but I am unable to connect with this poem. Phrases are good, but somehow it doesn't balance on the whole.