half.italian
on Farewell, Kind Lover by Dovina
15 Sep 2006, 10:42 PM
Wow!
Not convinced by the use of 'rubber' as a verb, other than that it's pretty clear. I finished work for the summer yesterday, so I think this will apply tonight :-D
Cool ending, btw
Godly (man and poem)
this is blank verse, isn't it? the title reads like the title of a painting, which leaves me wondering whether there's a real painting behind the poem. on completion of my first read it made me chuckle. in my estimation the phrase "made all-one" in line 12 should be eliminated. the meaning is already implicit, and the line would have so much more "oomph" without.
Pie!
i like this as a concept poem. feels like more is needed though.
the last line needs working on i think ..it does lighten the intensity but is that intentional? does she want to touch him? or was he way out of order?
maybe needs reworking? definitely a story worth the telling, but didn't flow for me... started off fizzing
nice thought, shame about the words
not good;either you really are fulla shit or are trying to overcome a strict christian upbringing, in which case respect, but it has all been done already...mainly in school toilets
Don't you mean, haiku? funny
Did I miss something in the first line? A missing word or I just don't understand enough to accept it. Second stanza; elegant, chilling.
Love it.
Sweet, nearly cute :-)
mmhh...not good, but i like the idea of trailing of into a(prose)observation after being constrained by rhyme ... the lines could be condensed for better flow
the eyes are problematic here, dreary and shut but canny and overbearing.... shows little empathy
curate's egg
"Sordid pleasures fly tipsy on my tongue, but there is no one to hear. Only hollow ears would only see words." Yep, that pretty much says it.
I waited on the Lord,
called on Him morning and night.
Then, like the rush of stormy wind,
He spoke with void-filling torrent,
breaking the stillness of my heart.
Sorry
clever language. this poem is tightly constructed, which makes me wonder more about the subject. i feel the first 8 lines are very strong, but something more solid is needed within the last 4, to complete the chain, as it were.
i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?