| Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/3:43 AM |
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what did He say? what did He say? as the introduction to a series i could see this poem working, but i don't think it stands on its own.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/3:49 AM |
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i like the deadpan sarcasm here; this reads like a parody of a newspaper obituary. not sure if everyone will read it that way, but i came away with a distinct feeling of sharing the character's experience. powerful stuff.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/3:55 AM |
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as a firm devotee of fortune-cookie poetry, i thoroughly enjoyed this. i like a lot how you alternate between the physical and the philosophical, finally ending on the physical. well done.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:01 AM |
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after first reading the re-done version (blue on black), i can really see now the process of how you tightened this piece up. with minor adjustments you've made major improvements, imho.
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| Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:03 AM |
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deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
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| Re: Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:12 AM |
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the word Toons, while it may be true to your experience, sounds weird, brings in images of kids cartoons, which i think isn't what you want. i happen to think that most of this reads brilliant, and probably sounds even moreso when you perform it.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.
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| Re: Farewell, Kind Lover by Dovina |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:15 AM |
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read this once yesterday and again today. brave sprouts i love.
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| Re: To be alive by nightowl |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:18 AM |
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hmm... couplets, hallmark style. on first glance it seems a bit childish as a composition, but i like the easy rhyme within and the half rhyme at the end.
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| Re: When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:23 AM |
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ieeeeeewwwwwwwww...... this transitions from concept poem to gross-out comedy. really it's two different pieces.
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
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| Re: Flea poem by Sing4Jesus! |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:28 AM |
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boom boom whap! boom boom whap! boom boom whap! FUCKING boom boom whap!! Jesus FUCKING loves you! whoo!
cute.
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| Re: Satyr by ecargo |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/5:28 AM |
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ebrious! bittersweet too, i think.
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
moyah8 87.74.2.126 |
17-Sep-06/8:54 AM |
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| Re: weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22 |
half.italian 70.36.242.152 |
17-Sep-06/12:15 PM |
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I think you mean "whether" in the last line.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
nypoet22 65.9.114.211 |
17-Sep-06/4:54 PM |
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this looks pretty random, or like a workshop exercise. lots of big words make this poem feel very antiseptic.
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:18 PM |
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My mum's cunt tasted of oysters.
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| Re: Horus8 & The Werewolves Live... by horus8 |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:19 PM |
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Total stupid girlish shite. You must be a mongo.
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| Re: The High Hunt by horus8 |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:20 PM |
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| Re: The ABC's Of Adultery by horus8 |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:21 PM |
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Long winded, semi-illiterate mouse-dung.
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| Re: My Boyfriend's Afro Pick by horus8 |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:22 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.246.175 |
17-Sep-06/6:22 PM |
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