Re: Death Of Day ( re-edit) by Mr Pig	17-Feb-03/11:09 PM
Very good, but the tense is mixed up. It's either 'comes' or 'Sun bled........silver assasin appeared".
Re: a comment on The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted by OneFingerAnswer	13-Feb-03/11:49 PM
By the way, "The Beauty Of His Last Night Wasted" Nothing can follow that. Leave it be.
Re: The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted by OneFingerAnswer	13-Feb-03/11:40 PM
You are a writer no doubt. Stupid boy, believing you could change even one thing. They will laugh at you, naive and idealistic. This is not so much a man's world, as a cynic's. Good dear boy, speak, and I shall listen. There are many things expressed here which are beyond the comprehension of fools. Pay no attention to the half-wits. Speak your speak. Bang your fists against the keys, I'm listening.
Re: Household Sex Agents (tooles) by <{Baba^Yaga}>	13-Feb-03/11:03 PM
It's Gardener. Some if these are hysterica,l especially the first.
Re: Amputee by INTRANSIT	13-Feb-03/11:00 PM
Bada beam Bada boom.
Re: a comment on Grampa's Proverb by OneFingerAnswer	13-Feb-03/2:32 PM
Home-made I presume. Such expense ingredients for an undergrad. Care to swap recipes? I have make a mince-meat pie people just 'die' for, if you get my meaning... Hey OneFinger, what if he uses a gun, knife, poison, etc. Does the bird still come out of it singing?
Re: The Boys and Girls Club of London by OneFingerAnswer	13-Feb-03/2:21 PM
Ok, so I took a few looks and I think this is entertaining and interesting. It has some small problems, you proboably should re-write this as many times as it takes to get it right. I like the verses, and, with the exception of the fourth verse, find them easily understood. But why are theye speaking in rhyme? It doesn't make sense to me. I especially like the hopefullness at the end, symbolized by a big smile- very Dickens. You lefting wanting to know more about the fate of these innocent souls. Write me another chapter.
Re: time by keatsImnot	12-Feb-03/9:40 PM
Shakespeare wrote many sonnets about time. I like yours. The second stanza especially. "pollen...dry" is rather harsh I think for such a pretty verse, my only complaint.
Re: I can't win by nolan	12-Feb-03/9:33 PM
A great monologue. Write a play about being a teenage loser, I like your character, I find him sympathetic, but he needs to find a world to live in, and he needs to take his time showing the audience his revelation. Write a play, about real teenagers.
Re: The Boys and Girls Club of London by OneFingerAnswer	12-Feb-03/9:00 PM
I see potential, but this is all over the place, hard to follow. Read it out loud and make it sound better. Try writing about something that actually happened to you. Tell me about were you live, what's happened to you. Start there.
Re: Senses by lunar	11-Feb-03/2:51 PM
the first line of the last couplet should be the first line of the poem. Then the senses, then the final line. what do you think?
Re: The Blooding by Mr Pig	11-Feb-03/2:47 PM
Packs a mean punch. Loved the ending, with its coming of age blood. A blurring of the line. I have to re-read the rest.
Re: downtown bus by Bill Z Bub	7-Feb-03/2:14 AM
Get rid of 'on a' Oh fuck... here go's Dowtown bus Snow unfolding into forever and I try heading home. I watch the crazyfresh Scrooges of campus Conspire. lurid smiles. dim city light. they dandle cellphones like unwanted infants crying hard abandoned in the clean falling of snow. U-girls Are like angels getting off Tight Glitter-bright shirt Laid over heathly shoulders. My involuntary eek of recognition. My scarf hides parched and wanting lips. Now all I will allow myself to see is a relief map on the back of an old man's neck. Hey, Whatever it takes to survive.
Re: a comment on Senses by lunar	6-Feb-03/3:05 PM
Love is a verb. Get that straight and the rest is a cake walk.
Re: An Ode to the professor, but not Marianne by Jeremi B. Handrinos	6-Feb-03/2:09 PM
I love the title, completely love it, but the poem I cannot understand, nor its relationship to said title.
Re: Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	5-Feb-03/6:00 PM
Sweet child, here it is. Here you have it. I will not criticize this because it is only a matter of small traditions, suh as puncuation and grammar. For now it doesn't matter, you are to young to be concerned with how you place your fingers, or exactly how strong or lightly the vibrato should sound. At your age all that matters is the ability to tap into the pysche and all its profound wisdom. Study every writer you love, copy them, ask for assignments. The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem. Focus on that for now. The direct link to the experience, make it all come crashing in. Technique is easy to master. Expression is a bitch. So for now, while you're still young and malleable learn how to express. It is a rare thing in men, and I for one, being a woman, am constantly searchig for insight to the other. I wilkl come back and edit this in a week or two. For now just be proud.
Re: a comment on Xmas gifts list by lunar	4-Feb-03/2:28 PM
Copy my version, it belongs to you. I wrote it in the spirit of your feelings, I'm just older and more experienced than you is all. It was you all along who brought the idea forward. I just edited it. Sometimes other writers can help us express what we feel, there's no shame in that. Take it, it belongs to you, i'll delete my edit. This happens all the time.
Re: What the runes said by INTRANSIT	3-Feb-03/6:19 PM
A good beginning, tidy up the presentation, for example; Handful. recind??? get rid of 'many'(it throws off the rythmn and is quite unnecessary) did linger? Why not lingered? water's Get rid of 'So' Can something sleep and weep?
Re: Xmas gifts list by lunar	3-Feb-03/5:43 PM
Sorry to see this poem hasn't been re-edited. She is worthy of so much more. Don't leave her hanging.
Re: NASA Fireworks by TheDevil	3-Feb-03/8:29 AM
Stupid stupid boy. Not even clever. You real have a low standard for yourself don't you?