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downtown bus (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub snow unfolding
in ashen window's
reversal,
the scourges of campus
conspiring,
with lurid smiles.
cellphones
cry like infants,
cradled.
single thin tones
abandoned in the snow,
and the U-girls
get off at some club,
tight glitterbright shirts
over shoulders, healthy
eeks of recognition
and my scarf hides
parched lips.
now all I see
is the relief
map on the back
of an old man's neck.
Up the ladder:
valhala
Down the ladder:
Happiness
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Posted: December 20, 2002 4:29 PM PST; Last modified: April 10, 2003 8:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.029801 Overall Rank: 7250 Comments:
[10]
INTRANSIT @ 204.110.225.254
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20-Dec-02/5:17 PM
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Reply
Hey! Down in front! damn people.
when the infant is cradled it stops it's baby wailing perhaphs un-rocked? last stanza's gold.
You don't have any kids, do you? :^)
Good use of imagery. I liked it....8
Cellphones are lame.Your poem is rather good though.
I love downtown buses hehe. I just don't like it when the driver tells you too put your feet down off of the seat or gives you a hard time.. or mentally ill riders. The club part is a good drop-off too. Nice...and the last stanza is a great ending. 9
Interesting. I liked the bit about the cell phone.
Nice.
that's the best cell-phone comment i've ever heard. the rest is wondrous too.
nicely done. i might change to this:
cellphones cradled, cry like infants.
Get rid of 'on a'
Oh fuck... here go's Dowtown bus Snow unfolding into forever and I try heading home. I watch the crazyfresh Scrooges of campus Conspire. lurid smiles. dim city light. they dandle cellphones like unwanted infants crying hard abandoned in the clean falling of snow. U-girls Are like angels getting off Tight Glitter-bright shirt Laid over heathly shoulders. My involuntary eek of recognition. My scarf hides parched and wanting lips. Now all I will allow myself to see is a relief map on the back of an old man's neck. Hey, Whatever it takes to survive.
I liked you better as a cheap Settle knockoff.
If ever there was a time to say "fuck you"...
The reason I call you a knockoff is because you're full of fire and passion and such. They day you laugh at yourself harder than anyone else can is the day I stop goading you.
Ah, I see. "cheap knockoff" is a complement! Of course! The day you stop laughing at others long enough to see you're standing in manure is the day you stop getting pissed on by goats.
Bill, I dont know why you let him get to you, He's an idiot.
From now on, I'm just going to delete all trollings. BOYCOTT SETTLE AND HIS ILK.
I can live with settle, but the un-origional trolls who follow him around to try to get some sort of a sad life are too much.
Nice poem Bill, but didn't really connect with me, so I won't vote on it. Listen to the suggestions and re-post it later.
Maybe if you were talented you wouldn't be riding the bus. Or are you a millionaire who likes to stay in touch with the people. Of Ontario.
I like this sleeker version very much. If you're thinking of paring it more, I wouldn't.
Thanks. This is as minimal as it's gonna get. I'm fairly happy with this revision.
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