Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

downtown bus (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
snow unfolding in ashen window's reversal, the scourges of campus conspiring, with lurid smiles. cellphones cry like infants, cradled. single thin tones abandoned in the snow, and the U-girls get off at some club, tight glitterbright shirts over shoulders, healthy eeks of recognition and my scarf hides parched lips. now all I see is the relief map on the back of an old man's neck.

Up the ladder: valhala
Down the ladder: Happiness

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
10  .. 11
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 01
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Weighted score: 5.029801
Overall Rank: 7236
Posted: December 20, 2002 4:29 PM PST; Last modified: April 10, 2003 8:06 AM PDT
View voting details
[10] INTRANSIT @ | 20-Dec-02/5:17 PM | Reply
Hey! Down in front! damn people.
[n/a] Bachus @ | 20-Dec-02/5:34 PM | Reply
when the infant is cradled it stops it's baby wailing perhaphs un-rocked? last stanza's gold.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > Bachus | 10-Apr-03/8:04 AM | Reply
You don't have any kids, do you? :^)
[8] wOrnella Mutiw @ | 21-Dec-02/1:30 AM | Reply
Good use of imagery. I liked it....8
[9] Plasticgirlwithgun @ | 21-Dec-02/2:36 AM | Reply
Cellphones are lame.Your poem is rather good though.
[n/a] New Life Drug @ | 21-Dec-02/4:42 PM | Reply
I love downtown buses hehe. I just don't like it when the driver tells you too put your feet down off of the seat or gives you a hard time.. or mentally ill riders. The club part is a good drop-off too. Nice...and the last stanza is a great ending. 9
[9] aliena @ | 22-Dec-02/8:59 AM | Reply
Interesting. I liked the bit about the cell phone.
[8] blkarakagain @ | 22-Dec-02/11:10 AM | Reply
[9] razorgrin @ | 23-Dec-02/9:18 AM | Reply
that's the best cell-phone comment i've ever heard. the rest is wondrous too.
[8] <~> @ | 6-Feb-03/8:41 PM | Reply
nicely done. i might change to this:

cellphones cradled,
cry like infants.
[n/a] god'swife @ | 7-Feb-03/2:14 AM | Reply
Get rid of 'on a'
Oh fuck... here go's

Dowtown bus
Snow unfolding into forever
and I try heading home.

I watch the crazyfresh
Scrooges of campus
lurid smiles. dim city light.
they dandle cellphones
like unwanted infants crying hard
abandoned in the clean falling of snow.

Are like angels getting off

Glitter-bright shirt
Laid over heathly shoulders.
My involuntary eek of recognition.

My scarf hides
parched and wanting lips.

all I will allow myself to see
is a relief map
on the back
of an old man's neck.

Whatever it takes to survive.
[6] TanHand @ | 7-Feb-03/12:50 PM | Reply
I liked you better as a cheap Settle knockoff.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > TanHand | 7-Feb-03/1:23 PM | Reply
If ever there was a time to say "fuck you"...
[6] TanHand @ > Bill Z Bub | 7-Feb-03/1:32 PM | Reply
The reason I call you a knockoff is because you're full of fire and passion and such. They day you laugh at yourself harder than anyone else can is the day I stop goading you.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > TanHand | 7-Feb-03/2:45 PM | Reply
Ah, I see. "cheap knockoff" is a complement! Of course! The day you stop laughing at others long enough to see you're standing in manure is the day you stop getting pissed on by goats.
[n/a] Blindproject217 @ > Bill Z Bub | 9-Apr-03/9:49 PM | Reply
Bill, I dont know why you let him get to you, He's an idiot.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > Blindproject217 | 10-Apr-03/8:07 AM | Reply
From now on, I'm just going to delete all trollings. BOYCOTT SETTLE AND HIS ILK.
[n/a] Another Bobjim?!?! @ > Bill Z Bub | 10-Apr-03/9:29 AM | Reply
I can live with settle, but the un-origional trolls who follow him around to try to get some sort of a sad life are too much.

Nice poem Bill, but didn't really connect with me, so I won't vote on it. Listen to the suggestions and re-post it later.
[6] TanHand @ | 7-Feb-03/5:37 PM | Reply
Maybe if you were talented you wouldn't be riding the bus. Or are you a millionaire who likes to stay in touch with the people. Of Ontario.
[10] INTRANSIT @ | 10-Apr-03/7:44 PM | Reply
I like this sleeker version very much. If you're thinking of paring it more, I wouldn't.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > INTRANSIT | 11-Apr-03/6:44 PM | Reply
Thanks. This is as minimal as it's gonna get. I'm fairly happy with this revision.
320 view(s)

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2021 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001