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The Boys and Girls Club of London (Other) by OneFingerAnswer
She held his hand as she walked through the dirty streets. She had no no worries now with his promises of warm meals and soft beds. She had overheard her friends recieve simular promises and they had never came back. Surely they must be happy if they hadn't returned. Maybe she'd even get to see some of them again. The thought of such a reunion added a skip to her small step. He continued on smirking at her joy. Soon they came to smaller streets that she had never seen before. He lead her up one last ally way and in through a small door. Through the door she could hear the last clips of conversations disappear from frightened faces as the large man lead her in. They all stared at her in sorrow as he turned and left. Soon as he was gone the largest of the boys stepped up. We in the chimmney You on the machine Soon you'll feel a new hunger 'tis unlike any you've yet seen Not in your stomach But in heart and soul You feed not your mind Making patchwork and scrubing coal Then another stepped forward rubbing his blackened head. Having reached nine he was the eldest. He spoke softly and with resignation. He speaks the truth We have no fun But we do have porridge When the job is done And no longer do we seach And it no longer enters my head That I may be chased at night When a household objects to their door being my bed A hard nosed girl then came forth. She pushed the older boy and he did not resist. Your porridge is thick water Made from the same dust that you sweep And the bed you speak of Is the perfect place for mice to sleep Such a bed I share with many And only 'cause I am kind Else four others would sleep In what ever pile they might find Then another child came up. His face covered in tumors still wore a smile. He held her hand as he walked her to a small stash of hay poking through its wrapping of linen. Together we keep warm Things are not all that bad For that little warmth Is more than what I once had I have no fear of hunger For thin meals fill a thin bod' And I have no fear of the end For loving lives please loving God The girl was scared for the boy but could not form a frown in front of such a happy smile. She considered what she had learned and decided that she had been naive bit that she had lost nothing. She thought may yet find friends in this bunch. Then came a hush as a small boy was rushed into the room with a large smile on his face.

Up the ladder: The Eye
Down the ladder: i said, he said

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7656
Posted: February 12, 2003 2:01 PM PST; Last modified: February 12, 2003 2:04 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] god'swife @ 209.179.211.71 | 12-Feb-03/9:00 PM | Reply
I see potential, but this is all over the place, hard to follow. Read it out loud and make it sound better. Try writing about something that actually happened to you. Tell me about were you live, what's happened to you. Start there.
[n/a] OneFingerAnswer @ 216.138.10.5 > god'swife | 13-Feb-03/2:16 AM | Reply
Yeah. I actually posted this one cause I wasn't happy with it. I wanted to see if someone could help me sort it out. As for the other idea, most of my poems are about stuff that's happened to me. "The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted or An Explanation" is to someone who was there when I needed but wouldn't accept help. "Castle of Sand" sounds like it's about jilted love (which is where most of mine center) but it's actually to my dad who died when I was very young. "Jeff" was my attempt to get a grip on my feeling about a friend's suicide and to see things from his side. "Thornwood (Splinters)" was actually writen as a drunken attempt to get over an ex and then cleaned up some the next morning. So I've written many poems about what has happened to and around me. The only one that's really about where I'm from is "Small Town Snow" and that one is pretty easy to read and get. Actually I think most of my stuff is by time I get to where I'm happy with it. Thanks and if you don't want to helpo with this I understand (I've worked on it a lot just to get this far) but I'd appreciate it if you'd check out some of my others.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 13-Feb-03/6:12 AM | Reply
A lot to take in here looks promising on a glance will peruse later
[n/a] OneFingerAnswer @ 216.138.10.5 > Caducus | 13-Feb-03/12:13 PM | Reply
Thank you.
[n/a] razorgrin @ 192.197.142.53 | 13-Feb-03/12:59 PM | Reply
this had potential until the use of 'bod' to rhyme with "god". I had to take a break to finish giggling.
[8] god'swife @ 209.178.177.31 | 13-Feb-03/2:21 PM | Reply
Ok, so I took a few looks and I think this is entertaining and interesting. It has some small problems, you proboably should re-write this as many times as it takes to get it right. I like the verses, and, with the exception of the fourth verse, find them easily understood. But why are theye speaking in rhyme? It doesn't make sense to me. I especially like the hopefullness at the end, symbolized by a big smile- very Dickens. You lefting wanting to know more about the fate of these innocent souls. Write me another chapter.
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