Poemranker [Poem: What the runes said] [by INTRANSIT] Thu Nov 21 05:35:20 PST 2024

A handfull of sand to the wind, grains showed me the story of friends and to the earth they did recind. I walked along a gravel bed, the many sounds of families took residence within my head. I chose a stone at the waters edge, and felt its story of battering and drowning in the waters cage. A boulder strong cut my finger, So I put my hand to my mouth the salt of the rock did linger. As I approached the cliffs that slept, I smelled the story of their ages and from within their cracks they wept.

[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.135.177 | 3-Feb-03/6:19 PM | Reply

A good beginning, tidy up the presentation, for example;

Handful.
recind???
get rid of 'many'(it throws off the rythmn and is quite unnecessary)
did linger? Why not lingered?
water's
Get rid of 'So'
Can something sleep and weep?

[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 204.110.225.254 > god'swife | 4-Feb-03/2:42 AM | Reply

I was trying really hard to make it Iambic. Iwas'nt sure about the recind either, I'll try too make that bettter. whas wrong with handfull? (many) again Iambic attempt (Ihate filler words but sometimes...) (lingered) 2 syllables? I'm not home and I don't have all the ttols I need damnit. sorry water sans apostrophe is correct in this case. it belongs to the water.
So-Iambic again. sleep-metaphor for quiet. Thanks so much for your time. when I get some myself I'll see what i can do about recind. Fuck, making things smoothe to the ear is hard. It's such a rough world we dlive in eh?

[8] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 4-Feb-03/8:17 AM | Reply

liked the opening it really grabbed my attention and this ones a sticker. 8

[n/a] ==Doylum @ 62.64.235.208 | 4-Feb-03/8:30 AM | Reply

to the earth they did rescind?
ohho wooohoho
Like dust in the wind dude
excellent so-crates!!!

[n/a] razorgrin @ 192.197.142.100 | 4-Feb-03/11:03 AM | Reply

That's an odd coincidence, ==doylum. I was just watching Bill & Ted's excellent adventure. I like the freud jokes best.

[5] x311 @ 64.83.223.38 | 11-Feb-03/5:26 AM | Reply

A very somber piece. I think it fine except for maybe a couple spots. I don't think you want to use the word boulder in the fourth stanza and also the rhyme between edge and cage just doesn't work. But a pretty decent work nonetheless.

[8] TanHand @ 68.14.26.239 | 3-Mar-03/9:06 PM | Reply

Interesting work. Nice narrative. Doesn't say a whole hell of a lot very clearly.

[7] Jill Stockinger @ 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1 | 1-Jan-21/10:59 AM | Reply

a few spelling errors, all minor: handful, rescind, water's

I have a poem that happens to use some of the same imagery of the rocks! Kind of neat! I will post it. It is titled Gathering Stones. Please do look at it!