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Beauty, sleeping (Free verse) by Ranger Hers was not an apple
But Icarus in a jetplane
Wanting to fly out of bed
To break the glass of the tower
Then transform into a phoenix
I attempted to rescue her
But the thorns got her first
Scratched her eyes
No matter how much I cried
She still couldn't see me
She longed for a Prince
To spin her a ladder of gold
Climb past her mother
Swing through the window
But this Captain, riding his stallion
Had a kingdom to manage
So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces
And fairies
They cast a spell at me
I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
I wept in the woods
There the wolf wept too, for his grandma was dead
He huffed
And puffed
And blew the princess away
What a big heart you have
Up the ladder:
She Seeks To Know Me
Down the ladder:
Primal Reality
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5833335
Posted: January 29, 2003 11:21 AM PST; Last modified: January 29, 2003 11:21 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.1575093 Overall Rank: 1050 Comments:
[8]
thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.19.37
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29-Jan-03/5:20 PM
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Reply
Wow were screwed up fairy tale you got there but i liked it till i got to the captain part but it got good again with the wolf so here is a great big Eight
Well this does show moderate talent. We all know that you are capable of far more superior works...It provided something else for me to think about. ThX, Ranger.
l8r. I kinda like ya. YOu have a good personality
Brave.
After reading mucho of your stuff I find this has some choice lines but it needs to woven in parts, I will have a better look and vote tomorrow but imagine britney spears tits being covered up in a woolly jumper and you got this poem, you know the beautys there but you cant quite see it. Anyway apparently ranger we belong to a brit pack? gotta go or she'll be moody
Hey, let's get all the brit pack to sign here! I think I know at least half of them at college!
Any suggestions for the poem as per which lines are good and which are bad?
It is Brit Poppers and Cad is not apart of them. You, on the other hand, are.
Sorry?
Oh my god! How could I have ever of doubted you! This is superb. Genius. As horus8 says: Brave. Just brave. I am humbled here on a Sunday night watching snow fall outside my window. Grim one and Grim two would dare call this: provocative, cunning, heart felt. You will go far in your writing career. I now have no doubt. Congratulations, Mr Ranger. You win!!!
Not only are you a sarcastic bastard, you also make no sense. What are you talking about? Grimm one and Grimm two probably wouldn't say a thing about this poem, mainly because they're dead. How could you have (note that it should be 'have', not 'of') ever doubted me what? What the fuck are you on about? Please explain. Also please explain the whole Brit poppers thing.
Sooo...that over, what is so bad with this one as to warrant it a zero, may I be so bold as to ask? You don't seem to like any style other than your own, is that all that's wrong with this? Or is it really a huge pile of shit? Huh? Huh?
Sweet child, here it is. Here you have it. I will not criticize this because it is only a matter of small traditions, suh as puncuation and grammar. For now it doesn't matter, you are to young to be concerned with how you place your fingers, or exactly how strong or lightly the vibrato should sound. At your age all that matters is the ability to tap into the pysche and all its profound wisdom. Study every writer you love, copy them, ask for assignments. The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem. Focus on that for now. The direct link to the experience, make it all come crashing in. Technique is easy to master. Expression is a bitch. So for now, while you're still young and malleable learn how to express. It is a rare thing in men, and I for one, being a woman, am constantly searchig for insight to the other. I wilkl come back and edit this in a week or two. For now just be proud.
Ranger, god'swife said this, and I so agree; absolutely!
"The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem." Oh, I just realized...this was from 2003?! Well, see...she was right! And...it STILL applies today...In your more recent work I see genius and intellegence, risk-taking and unique angles...an internal dialog that is rich and growing. You will become a better writer than I will ever hope to be...I would love to see what you write when you are 30 and 40...sheesh...God help the rest of us!
Kind of all over the place. The lines "hurl lettuces
And fairies They cast a spell at me" cracked me up, though.
Yeah, the whole thing is a bit random. The big question is: do you get those lines?
Stick to the first story, I was so interested. Is it really "bed" be more honest, direct, about this prison. Forget the pheonix, too out-of-context for this fairy-tale. L12-13 is gorgeous. Think about that, follow through. Never, ever speak of yourself in the 3rd person. Well that's an exaggeration, but it usually comes accross as pompous.
Hers was not an apple. Hers was a jetplane. A 21st century Icarus. Wanting to fly Out of the spell. Breaking tower glass. Escaping labyrinths. She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning Her hair into a golden ladder Climbing past her needy mother. Swinging the windows open. I attempted a rescue, but the thorns The thorns got her first, and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage. Me and my stallion rode away and left her to stamp and throw rampion... You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.
Thanks GW, I am a musician but not very knowledgeable one...but I know what you mean. Thanks for your advice, I like this one but I also like your suggestions so I think I'll write it again to compare.
Always appreciate your suggestions! (What's rampion?) Thanks once again!
I have commented on lots of your poems that were similar to these but i see you like to reedit quite a lot and i forget what they were like in the first place! but this is funny and seriously random which is alwayys a good thing! X
This is still my favourite of your early stuff...
I think your trying to deal with too many myths and stories in one poem and it needs line breaks, grammar, (i am one to talk on grammar) but their is something their most definitely.
Yes, I agree totally...the revised version of this was much better.
This is much more pulled together than the other one! (good editing! Hard to do, sometimes!)
It is still alittle awkward right there...needs a smoother transition...maybe something like>? So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces And the fairies danced To cast a spell at me I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
Oh! Call me clueless...sheesh...okay...this IS the 'other one' the previous one, and the other is more recent. To be honest, I like the (this) more condensed version...or at least the attempt to condense it, shown here.
God'swife had good advice for you, back then...hold onto it, and reread as time moves on. Rythm and flow are still things you work on. I can see from your other stuff that you are finding your expression, your voice, and your language just fine! I see alot of growth, in how you express yourself now. 356 view(s)
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