Poemranker [Poem: She Seeks To Know Me] [by newdawnfades] Thu Nov 21 15:32:04 PST 2024

She seeks to know me, questions aimed veil judgements, echoes open, traveling across hallways that do not end. She seeks to know me, her voice recedes and fades into the crowd, closing in like water filling my lungs. She seeks to know me through a gap in a dream, with cold hungry fingers through my body, in to my soul. She seeks to know me and finds dead spaces in my heart, my heart places where she once lived and lost like tears in rain.

[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 1-Jan-03/6:48 PM | Reply

"and lost like tears in rain." try
lost as my tears in her rain.
"through my body, in to my soul." how about 'into instead of in to...?a

[n/a] newdawnfades @ 172.191.80.150 > horus8 | 3-Jan-03/9:58 PM | Reply

Yeah, the 'in to' portion was supposed to be together, my mistake. 'lost as my tears in her rain' is a good suggestion, I like the idea behind it. The feeling I was trying to evoke was a 'sad distance' if that makes sense. This may not accurately translate if I were to change it. I would definitely have to restructure the previous line if I were to make it work. I may have to think about that a little, good idea nonetheless. Thanks.

[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > newdawnfades | 4-Jan-03/5:23 PM | Reply

not really because of your use of the word "She" unless she is you, then i totally understand what your saying. Either way, go with what you feel works for you. you're welcome. cheers. thanks again.s

[7] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > newdawnfades | 4-Jan-03/5:26 PM | Reply

i just noticed your name was chris, so i believe your argument is accurate. cheers.s