Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Primal Reality (Free verse) by peaceseeker
"did you let the dog out?" he yelled little lily, going beserk at the contented cat, ironically named "lucky" who ate the squirrel head now it's lily's turn flipping the headless body this, her ultimate reward years spent barking, chasing earlier, while harvesting my first garden, to dry a friendly squirrel, nearby staring, silently chattering a loving curious squirrel sniffing my pile of flowers impatiens, petunias, pansies dusty miller, flocks and hops my overweight neighbor pulled in the driveway next door asked if I'd seen her puppy, francis, i told her i just saw him in the running pen she said the puppy escaped oh my god, oh my god while at the bookstore i scooped up free dog treats and gave them to lily in forgiveness in the primal reality of it all

Up the ladder: Beauty, sleeping

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 30
.. 00
.. 20
.. 30
.. 00
.. 10
.. 10
.. 01
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 6.5833335
Weighted score: 6.1575093
Overall Rank: 1051
Posted: October 7, 2003 9:24 AM PDT; Last modified: October 7, 2003 9:24 AM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[10] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w @ 195.157.153.253 | 7-Oct-03/9:31 AM | Reply
my overweight
neighbor
fucked my dog
in the ass

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A FAT DOG FUCKER

LOL!!

LOLTTM!!!!!!!!

Have fun!!!!

Nice to meet you!!!!!111

Thanks!!!!!111111111

Bye!!!!!!!!!!!1111111
[4] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 7-Oct-03/10:11 AM | Reply
I read the
whole
thing and as
I neared the end I
began to panic,
because I could
feel my time
to make some sense
of it all
running out.

It does however, have some engaging language in the flashback about the garden - that's a nice snapshot.
[7] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.170 | 7-Oct-03/10:15 AM | Reply
I was confused at the beginning for a while about who was the cat and who the dog, and how the dog got back out (?) to flip the body of the headless squirrel around. I think you ought to describe the neighbor more than to just say "overweight" because that could mean so many different things and didn't provoke any mental image for me of what he/she looks like.
[8] richa @ 81.178.216.158 | 7-Oct-03/12:25 PM | Reply
the individual verse don't seem to hang together very well.

like the little rhymes running through the first verse, and flocks and hops
[10] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 163.1.234.241 | 7-Oct-03/5:16 PM | Reply
You are a primal dunce. And no returns.
[8] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 7-Oct-03/7:04 PM | Reply
my only critique would be it should be compressed by two. In other words each line should take on the line below it doubling each line but making the actual physical poem smaller by a half.
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.175.60 | 8-Oct-03/12:14 AM | Reply
what the hell is with the short lines? its damned annoying to read it in that fashion- specially since i dont see its purpose, and its written in a fashion where jaggedness doesnt suit it.

my only complaint- blessed with 7.
190 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001