Poemranker [Replying] Sat Nov 23 15:17:48 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Hers was not an apple But Icarus in a jetplane Wanting to fly out of bed To break the glass of the tower Then transform into a phoenix I attempted to rescue her But the thorns got her first Scratched her eyes No matter how much I cried She still couldn't see me She longed for a Prince To spin her a ladder of gold Climb past her mother Swing through the window But this Captain, riding his stallion Had a kingdom to manage So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces And fairies They cast a spell at me I dodged and she slept for a hundred years I wept in the woods There the wolf wept too, for his grandma was dead He huffed And puffed And blew the princess away What a big heart you have

god'swife

4-Apr-03/1:16 PM

Stick to the first story, I was so interested. Is it really "bed" be more honest, direct, about this prison. Forget the pheonix, too out-of-context for this fairy-tale. L12-13 is gorgeous. Think about that, follow through. Never, ever speak of yourself in the 3rd person. Well that's an exaggeration, but it usually comes accross as pompous.

Hers was not an apple.
Hers was a jetplane.

A 21st century Icarus.
Wanting to fly
Out of the spell.
Breaking tower glass.
Escaping labyrinths.

She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning
Her hair into a golden ladder
Climbing past her needy mother.
Swinging the windows open.
I attempted a rescue, but the thorns
The thorns got her first,
and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage.
Me and my stallion rode away
and left her to stamp and throw rampion...

You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

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