on Dry Beast Night by fevriere
27 Jan 2004, 6:41 AM
interesting rhymes and near-word reflections. It struck me (not harshly) more as an exercise, albeit a good one, rather than a poem that can stand on its own; a little too much of one trick in the pony-beast.
Having said all that - this beast is a sestina fer crying out loud, and one of the more cogent ones I've read in a while so; huge kudos for that. Nice job.
Having said all that - this beast is a sestina fer crying out loud, and one of the more cogent ones I've read in a while so; huge kudos for that. Nice job.
on Are You O.K.? by sonawrote
27 Jan 2004, 6:31 AM
I think it would be a grand percent better without the "without delay" - as it is, its fairly good and I can see it working very well at a poetry reading.
replying on Kittens and Pocket Money by Shuushin
27 Jan 2004, 4:04 AM
Thank you - glad for that!
on The back of a shovel? by horus8
17 Jan 2004, 5:39 PM
"Then..." I think?
good one.
good one.
replying on Love is Like a Rose by justjay
17 Jan 2004, 1:36 PM
Actually, I thought it was the twist of a blade and the warmth of blood running down one's wrist, collecting at the elbow, then streaming off.
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
15 Jan 2004, 1:39 PM
I like it, with one small exception - okay two, but the second is more general.
The first stanza - mixed metaphor, I think you can fix it with removing the last three lines (and still completely retain the meaning).
It may be my taste, but I kept feeling like strings of words could be removed here and there, maybe 2,3 words in a row - to make the remainder more rich.
The first stanza - mixed metaphor, I think you can fix it with removing the last three lines (and still completely retain the meaning).
It may be my taste, but I kept feeling like strings of words could be removed here and there, maybe 2,3 words in a row - to make the remainder more rich.
on O Endless Angst, Thou Stingeth Me by Goad
13 Jan 2004, 1:51 PM
"with the voices of owls"
nice.
nice.
on Da Ghetto by <{Baba^Yaga}>
11 Jan 2004, 12:40 PM
Bling bling prose, I like angle with the parenthetical sober commentary.
on Acrylic Sunrise by MacFrantic
8 Jan 2004, 2:01 PM
Love the title lots.
The litany of basic color names didn't quite work for me though. If it wasn't fairly similar in structure to something I just wrote, I might like it more (I've been in a "sky" phase).
The litany of basic color names didn't quite work for me though. If it wasn't fairly similar in structure to something I just wrote, I might like it more (I've been in a "sky" phase).
replying on BreakBeat TimeTravel by nentwined
7 Jan 2004, 8:31 AM
I think you can just delete it call it a day.
on Waiting to inhale (Stardust & God's Black Nostril) by Don-Quixote
7 Jan 2004, 8:23 AM
I dunno, religion is tough to pick on with a straight face anymore. Kindof like bitch-slapping someone with a learning disability for not knowing linear math; tough to tell who's more retarded.
To do it in a non-informative way - without explanation, is adopting the same philosophies that a believer relies on.
Not that I don't do the same damn thing.
That having been said, I find this entertaining enough to give it a yellowed snowman (courtesy of SupremeDreamer).
To do it in a non-informative way - without explanation, is adopting the same philosophies that a believer relies on.
Not that I don't do the same damn thing.
That having been said, I find this entertaining enough to give it a yellowed snowman (courtesy of SupremeDreamer).
on Last flight of a goose by Bobjim
7 Jan 2004, 8:04 AM
more.
on BreakBeat TimeTravel by nentwined
7 Jan 2004, 8:01 AM
I like how you suckered me into the rythm of it - but I could do without the last line.
on Dance in my Golden Shower by SupremeDreamer
7 Jan 2004, 7:58 AM
gross.
having the spinach and the vitamin first was just plain evil.
having the spinach and the vitamin first was just plain evil.
on Haikus for Nentwined by horus8
3 Jan 2004, 6:10 AM
a ten in the hopes we may be blessed with his holy presence.
on A stitch by EAger to Offend
2 Jan 2004, 6:28 PM
some conjuringing? a curse? Have a snowman; eat his nose.
replying on A stitch by EAger to Offend
2 Jan 2004, 6:24 PM
oo oo - I just wrote this (like a week ago)!
<A Chemical Story>
Neurotransmitting friends:
my dynorphin, beta endorphin
and enkephalins.
Throughout the holidays, helping me;
reacting to the call of substance (P),
keeping me free of Marley’s chains,
and various stress-induced pains.
There’s been many a party enjoyed
through my endogenous opioids;
from mu (both things 1 and 2) to epsilon
(they’ll visit with you from dusk till dawn).
They’re as dear as a table of Tiny Tims;
I love them each drug as a son -
God bless the little endorphins,
every one.
<A Chemical Story>
Neurotransmitting friends:
my dynorphin, beta endorphin
and enkephalins.
Throughout the holidays, helping me;
reacting to the call of substance (P),
keeping me free of Marley’s chains,
and various stress-induced pains.
There’s been many a party enjoyed
through my endogenous opioids;
from mu (both things 1 and 2) to epsilon
(they’ll visit with you from dusk till dawn).
They’re as dear as a table of Tiny Tims;
I love them each drug as a son -
God bless the little endorphins,
every one.
What about changing the last "trees" to a specific kind of trees? Don't do willow - too "done".
Alternatively, maybe a specific *part* of a tree (trunks, roots, branches...).
anyway, I like what you have, more so for the different perspective.