Comments byShuushin, 621–640 back, including replies. Only comments on poems

on Darkness Falls On Tenement Twelve by Mona Lisa 31 Mar 2004, 5:37 PM
I will like this so much more when it has the word "concrete" in it only once.

Watch your preposition use; too much - especially with so many conjunctions (but/yet).

Pretty solid sentiment just the same though.
on Bread Wine And Chocolate by Caducus 31 Mar 2004, 5:34 PM
A reference to easter?
on I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, 'Futility') by SupremeDreamer 31 Mar 2004, 5:33 PM
I like "mayhaps".

I guess I'm not much into more ass humor at the moment. It goes together well enough.
on Once Upon A Time ( a senyru ) by Mr Pig 30 Mar 2004, 11:18 AM
a thousand points for calling a duck a duck (senryu vs haiku).

tanka you.
on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin 30 Mar 2004, 10:53 AM
HEY guys, THANKS. Been in training most of the day and I popped out to check messages - horry cow.

Thanks for the good words - much appreciated!!
on Another Fucking Slow, Sad Song by wilco 29 Mar 2004, 11:30 PM
yep. sure is.
on Try, Please Try by Spindle 29 Mar 2004, 5:45 PM
Points for hitting a universal emotion.
on debating by FreeFormFixation 29 Mar 2004, 5:29 PM
I liked it, sure. Clangs along nicely enough.
on dying love by singinkygal 29 Mar 2004, 5:26 PM
Needs to stand out from this very crowded "lost love" room.
on searching by francis nor capule 29 Mar 2004, 5:19 PM
"i won't promise the stars [OR]the moon" - this is a common mistake.

Its a nice sentiment.
on peppermint by the indign 29 Mar 2004, 5:08 PM
Hmmmm.

A little punctuation would not hurt this - not that I'm not for a little artistic freedom, but in this case - its a distracting omission.

I almost like this - pare it down a bit and I think it will be more palatable.
on Scattered Spaces by embersandenvelopes 29 Mar 2004, 5:06 PM
and so.... ?

again, need more context methinks.

Some nice language though.
on From the Top of Apartment Stairwells by embersandenvelopes 29 Mar 2004, 5:03 PM
A tastey snippet - but needs more to be more.
on Dreams and Galaxies by embersandenvelopes 29 Mar 2004, 5:02 PM
Not bad vsuede.

I think you said "spell" one time too many, and you have a capital "A" where you don't want one.

This is one of those that I'm sometimes guilty of too though - it's pretty, has some clever language, but one walks away not quite knowing what it is about.

That's fine to an extent, but I don't think you got away with it here (at least with me).
on Old Glory by Richard 29 Mar 2004, 4:57 PM
Nice concrete.

These are unusual enough that I won't fault you for the content - which isn't so horrible as _others_ may lead you to believe...

As a concrete - an 8
on The Girl With the Tye-Dyed Hair by wilco 29 Mar 2004, 4:54 PM
First stanza - the age old confusion: do they congregate to the girl or the bar? This makes brain go "huh? OH, okay"

The punch line falls flat, imho. dunno [shrug]
on What I Am by no1sangelz23 29 Mar 2004, 6:48 AM
Write - write your heart out.
on We Are Born by Bobjim 29 Mar 2004, 6:42 AM
oh jesus.
on my secret by tre 28 Mar 2004, 6:30 AM
It kept me reading though I was thinking "too much, too many words" -

This theme of unrequited love/breakups is soooo done - BUT - you put a nice slant into it with some fresh ideas:

"You kissed me in public. You didn't care"
the "wife" angle.

The trick will be to pare it down a bit without losing the sense of realism or honesty - to not make it a cathartic fabrication/built-thing.

And this time, the question in the ending works pretty well. Would have more punch if there was some reference to it earlier on (but not the word music).

I want to give it a nine, but I'm held back by the theme - you could very likely tweak this up to good effect.
on a lie by tre 28 Mar 2004, 6:23 AM
Good. This touches something real.

I'll suggest to extend it slightly so that you don't end on a question - this is not a good way to end (a difficult thing to do well).