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Darkness Falls On Tenement Twelve

Member since 2003 · Posted 30 Mar 2004 · 3 comments

The world orbits me here Hourly, once a day on a concrete plateau. Camouflaged on concrete I can turn gold The sky is never uniformed and each time I feel nothing I climb to the top of tenement twelve Lay on top of caged vents To breathe, feel, and see everything. I went to search for myself but only found myself losing my mind, I am the sound of the ocean you hear in shells Who can often be heard but never seen, Isnât it absurd how I live is not how I dream? I will be magnificent in my own way And express myself by being quiet I have always had something yet nothing to say I do not deny it, For my inner darkness Never seems to set Only as a child did I know day.

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3 comments

[7] SupremeDreamer 30-Mar-04/5:52 AM Reply

Children have their innocence and purity for but a short while before the world arounds them feeds them the seed that sprouts their inner beast.

I think you could compact this more and put more focus on the soul-searching, and less space travel.

"The world orbits me here"

That makes little or no sense since "orbit" generally means something around the lines of "to circle around an object after having been locked into that objects gravity.."

Even if you can use orbit in the sense that you've used it in your poem, it still comes off as bad english to me.

Blessed with seven.

[8] richa 30-Mar-04/6:33 AM Reply

First verse is very good, the rest falls apart a bit due to its reliance on abstractions, it also gets a bit self-absorbed.

[8] Shuushin 31-Mar-04/5:37 PM Reply

I will like this so much more when it has the word "concrete" in it only once.

Watch your preposition use; too much - especially with so many conjunctions (but/yet).

Pretty solid sentiment just the same though.