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Darkness Falls On Tenement Twelve (Free verse) by Mona Lisa The world orbits me here
Hourly, once a day on a concrete plateau.
Camouflaged on concrete I can turn gold
The sky is never uniformed
and each time I feel nothing
I climb to the top of tenement twelve
Lay on top of caged vents
To breathe, feel, and see everything.
I went to search for myself
but only found myself losing my mind,
I am the sound of the ocean you hear in shells
Who can often be heard but never seen,
Isnât it absurd how I live is not how I dream?
I will be magnificent in my own way
And express myself by being quiet
I have always had something yet nothing to say
I do not deny it,
For my inner darkness
Never seems to set
Only as a child did I know day.
Up the ladder:
xxxmas
Down the ladder:
Limbs
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.75
Posted: March 30, 2004 5:38 AM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2004 5:38 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.4706473 Overall Rank: 2844 Comments:
First verse is very good, the rest falls apart a bit due to its reliance on abstractions, it also gets a bit self-absorbed.
I will like this so much more when it has the word "concrete" in it only once.
Watch your preposition use; too much - especially with so many conjunctions (but/yet). Pretty solid sentiment just the same though. 199 view(s)
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I think you could compact this more and put more focus on the soul-searching, and less space travel.
"The world orbits me here"
That makes little or no sense since "orbit" generally means something around the lines of "to circle around an object after having been locked into that objects gravity.."
Even if you can use orbit in the sense that you've used it in your poem, it still comes off as bad english to me.
Blessed with seven.