| Re: Living Conditions by Christof |
29-Dec-02/3:33 AM |
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Liked the last two lines, not sure about the mole.7.
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| Re: #10 by daniella |
29-Dec-02/3:37 AM |
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Flows well. Sounds almost "free association", did you work at this this or write it in one hit? Sounds like something written when you're tired and it comes out easily? .9.
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| Re: PHandAcid by New Life Drug |
29-Dec-02/3:39 AM |
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Second stanza struggled more than the first "later":"elevator", dodgy? Sounds more like a song lyric? Suggest a bit of pruning/tightening. .6.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Dec-02/3:42 AM |
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Only "competant", by your standards. .7. (Again on "your" scale). "washed colors (sic) from May" particulary effective. Please watch the typos "colour" has a "u" in it. ;)
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| Re: Lasting Forever by angel_uy |
29-Dec-02/3:44 AM |
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Pleasant enough, but could do with a bit more "zing". Perhaps you could tell us more about this character? .6.
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| Re: On The Bench Outside Gruhn's Guitars by <~> |
3-Feb-03/3:12 PM |
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Elegant. Where's the guitar shop? I went to Manny's in NY once but i could only afford a T-Shirt after the hotel bill. 9.
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| Re: I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike |
3-Feb-03/3:17 PM |
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I have seen these symptoms, but, alas, you may be suffering from a side effect of reading to many of the poems to which you refer: "pedanticitis" .7.
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| Re: Eternity by Jigg |
3-Feb-03/3:21 PM |
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Plaintive but with an upbeat rhythm, a combination that works well 'till line seven, when it descends into borderline "angst" land. My advice, for what it's worth; you're better of going for "angry" than for "self-pity", especially with that rhythm. .5.
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| Re: Untitled by LucidRevelation |
3-Feb-03/3:25 PM |
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Interesting structure. 6.
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| Re: The deafening silence in the world or something by Bachus |
7-Mar-03/4:28 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Mar-03/4:35 PM |
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Cold. I can smell the salt air when i read this. 9.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Mar-03/4:39 PM |
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Effective, could benefit from some punctuation. A comma after "my face" would add punch to the following line. 6.
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| Re: His Master's Jodhpurs by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
2-Feb-04/2:27 PM |
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I'm British, and therefore i naturally know what jodhpurs are, in fact i wear them frequently whilst shooting foxes etc... 10... (Toots on horn)... ;)
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| Re: For Ike by INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-04/9:46 AM |
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Excellent. I was needing a little bit of rhyme and along it came... bang on time. V nice.
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| Re: Blinking by zodiac |
17-Apr-05/1:24 AM |
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I think I get it. And i'm sure i like it. I see the innocence of childhood being reinterpreted into the freedom of adult nudity. Or something. Either way it took some bravery yo tag a cock line onto a the end of a worthy poem, and for that you deserve at least some respect. 9. PS Reminds me my own effort at freedom here: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=123481
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| Re: Layne Staley's Sunglasses by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
20-Apr-05/11:59 PM |
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Overly bleak. Maybe i just prefer life AFFIRMING haiku?
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| Re: The temple of Dissaray by DeadtotheWorld |
21-Apr-05/12:01 AM |
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I'm always wary of any poem with "pain" "misery" "torture" and "despair" on ONE line! Seems more than a little angst(y). And "Theirs" should be "There's".
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| Re: Minoan lover by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
21-Apr-05/12:03 AM |
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Different. It bears the repetition well, but starts to founder. I'd cut verse 3. "House with no start" seems nonsencicle, or stretched at best.
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| Re: Head and Shoulders by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
21-Apr-05/12:08 AM |
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Intriguing. Menthol shampoo or one of those wire devices?
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| Re: Flesh of Stone by Tangerines |
21-Apr-05/3:18 AM |
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Excellent. The numbered verses might have seemed pretentious on a lesser work, but you pull it off. Quite excellent. 10.
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